The Hidden Key To Cultivating Confidence

We all want more confidence in one way or another.

Whether you want the confidence to make and share your art, to build your business by selling your services or growing an audience, to negotiate for more money, to feel good in your own skin, to speak to a large group of people, or take a big risk… we all have a hunger to feel capable and safe from rejection. That’s what confidence does for you. 

But where does it come from? And how do we get more of it? Well, that’s what I want to explore inside Color Your Soul, but today I want to share one tiny nugget that has helped me approach projects and risks in my own life with a bit more confidence.

Flashback to when I was 22, fresh out of college by just six months, and I was having a serious conversation with my mom. Right after graduation, I’d broken up with my boyfriend of a year to start dating Jason (scandalous, I know), and we had been navigating the fun but uncertain waters of a new relationship while doing the long distance thing -- him back in Jacksonville, and me in Durham, North Carolina.

Things were going well with us but not so great with my new job. In short, I hated it. After just six months at an esteemed advertising agency, I decided I couldn’t stand one more day in a job that didn’t utilize my creativity, and so I quit.

The serious conversation with my mom was about my big decision to quit my job and move back to Jacksonville, to MOVE IN with Jason. I remember the look of fear and worry on my mom’s face for me. Wasn’t this all a bit sudden and was I sure I wanted to do this and what would happen if Jason and I didn’t work out.

There are so many things I was NOT confident about back then but I will never forget the unshakable certainty that I felt about that decision to move back to Jacksonville and start a life with Jason.

I was nervous, but I was confident I was making the right decision. HOW?

So many times I’ve asked myself where that unexpected assurance came from in an attempt to unlock some hidden secret about this mysterious thing called confidence.

Was it because I knew Jason and I would work out? Heck no, I had no idea. Was it because I was too naive to think of all that could go wrong? Maybe, but I’d been in other serious relationships and it’s not like I thought they were always sunshine and rainbows.

Upon looking at it further, I realized that the reason I was so confident about my decision was this:

I knew that if it didn’t work out, it would be painful, but ultimately I’d be okay.

I think this knowing -- this belief that YOU can be your own protector -- is the hidden key to cultivating confidence.

Imagine any big (or little) risk in life as though it were an image of you jumping off a cliff into a beautiful, but shockingly cold, lagoon of water below. That’s what a risk feels like, right -- tempting, but scary because you don’t know what will happen when you hit the water, you don’t know what it will feel like when you take flight off the cliff. That’s when you start to think maybe it would all feel much more comfortable and easy to stay on that ledge forever.

Oftentimes when we think of confidence, we focus on the feeling at the top of the cliff, that moment of courage that we need to work up in order to actually leap. That moment is where confidence ends up, but I don’t think that’s where it comes from.

I think confidence actually lives at the bottom of the cliff in the lagoon.

Confidence resides in the belief that we'll be okay regardless of what is on the other side of uncertainty.

“Confidence resides in the belief that we’ll be okay regardless of what is on the other side of uncertainty.”

It is the voice that tells us that we can take the risk, we can leap off the cliff, because despite not knowing what waits for us below, there is always a safety net. That safety net is YOU.

When I was just starting my design business back in 2014, one thing I struggled with the most was sending out proposals. This is where I basically had to declare what I think I’m worth as a designer. I would write and rewrite the final project estimate 20 different times because I lacked the confidence to tell someone exactly how much I deserved to be paid. I would fixate on that moment when my potential client would open up the email and look at the price tag, and I agonized over what their reaction would be. Would they think I was arrogant and way overpriced? Would they think I was an amateur and way underpriced?

I struggled with this for months until Jason finally gave me some powerful advice: Don’t focus on the moment when they open the proposal; focus on the moment when they email you back with a no.

As you write that final project total on your proposal, he said, ask yourself: If they say no, will I feel good about the value I’ve placed on my work?

What? Seems like strange advice doesn’t it. Focus on the rejection in order to build your confidence?

What it did for me though is it allowed me to confront my fear of rejection head on and confirm that even if that potential client said no, I wouldn’t fall apart. It put me back in control of my own worth.

And THAT is the key.

When you know that you have your own back no matter what, that’s when you can confidently move forward, even if you’re afraid or unsure.

We all have the tools within us to provide this kind of comfort and protection for ourselves. But in order to use those tools, we have to acknowledge our our power.

We have to take back ownership of ourselves from all the places we’ve divvied it out to -- to our families, to our relationships, to our social media followers, to near strangers on the other end of a proposal email. We place the delicate matter of our own self-worth in their hands, which leaves us feeling incapable and vulnerable to feelings of rejection.

But once you finally make that shift and decide you are the ultimate judge of your own worth -- that you have the ultimate say in who you are and who you become -- that’s when you carry the confidence of a person with a built-in superhero at their side.

Confidence isn't just about acting in spite of your fears; it’s trusting you’ll put yourself back together if those fears come true.

Here’s a sketchbook piece I created inside this month’s Confidence issue.

It is my own reminder that I can be my own safety net. I can cultivate enough trust with myself to know that even if I take a risk and it doesn’t work out, I won’t allow a momentary feeling of failure or rejection stop me from moving forward.

My confidence lives in the knowing that I will never abandon myself.

I hope yours does to.

Your challenge this week is to choose one area of your life in which you'd like to feel more confident.

I want you to write down all the fears that affect your confidence in that area. Then I want you to respond to each fear with how your inner self-worth superhero will take care of you if those fears are realized.

I believe that actually confronting your fears head-on and reminding yourself that you will be okay regardless of if those fears come true or not will help you move forward more confidently in reality.

I have so many more thoughts on this topic I want to share with you guys, but I'll leave it at that for now.

Thanks so much for reading! Wishing you an empowered week!

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The Pain of Standing Still

As I gear up for the launch this Thursday, I’ve been reflecting back on the creative timeline of this project and comparing/contrasting it to things I’ve made and launched in the past. 

Through that exercise, I’ve been revisiting the many lessons I’ve learned about overcoming my fears and getting something out into the world.

These contemplations were swirling around in my head (what else is new) when a close friend asked me, “So, are you nervous to launch Color Your Soul?”

Instinctively I was about to reply “Of course!,” as I would with every other thing I’ve launched in the past, but instead I just paused.

I paused because while the answer IS yes -- there’s always that fear in your mind that no one will like or want or buy what you’re making -- I was actually astounded at just how little time I had spent thinking about that fear over the course of the summer, which is honestly a real departure from my normal operating procedure.

Truthfully it never even occurred to me NOT to launch Color Your Soul once the idea came to me in its fully realized form. And whatever doubts or fears momentarily arose, they were quickly quieted by my passion for getting the thing made.

BUT... this, as I said, is NOT typical of my process in the past.

And I know from the many emails I’ve received from several of you on this list that creative fear is a very real hurdle, one that has the power to take what’s in your head and your heart and allow it to gather dust.

So I thought to myself… When did it change? What made the difference? When did I reach that point where I was able to dull the voices of fear in my head and what nugget of wisdom might I be able to pluck out and pass on to anyone whose fear voices are the loudest thing in the room?

Well before I get to that nugget, a quick backstory…

Back in 2011, I was still working for a local ad agency back in Florida. In my less productive work hours, I would find myself straying away from my work and over to my favorite design and lifestyle blogs (I justified this distraction time as “gathering inspiration.”)

I would cozy up in the archives of these popular online spaces, clicking through page after page of words and images and all this juicy creativity, and I would find myself feeling equally inspired and envious. I was completely envious of these people who had such distinct and well-developed creative voices.

The more I saw other people expressing themselves in this very public way -- a way that had the power to connect with a random stranger like myself -- the more it felt like a mirror reflecting back my own desires, and, more importantly, my own UNREALIZED potential.

I could sense I had something to say, but I didn’t have the first clue about how to say it. I knew I had a voice that was begging to be shared too, but I was afraid that no one would care about it.

The fear and overwhelm of not knowing where to start just paralyzed me.

The days and weeks and months ticked by and I remember feeling more and more stifled and frustrated as I kept imagining myself as one of those bloggers I so admired, only to quickly return to reality, disappointed that this vision existed only in my head.

Until.

Until one day, the pain of carrying these suppressed creative impulses inside became so beyond frustrating that it finally drowned out every one of my fears.

The nagging desire to share my own voice became so persistent that it outweighed whatever hesitations I had.

So I finally started my blog.

I was reluctant and full of doubt and honestly kind of embarrassed at first, wondering what my friends would think. But from the moment I hit publish on my first post, I experienced this relief that's hard to describe. Like a colorful bird that had been trapped in a cage was finally free to fly.

That blog became a place that I could share my writing, my creative ideas and, really, work through my own journey of self-discovery. It was my sandbox to play in, to learn and to stretch the creative muscles that I didn’t even yet know the extent of.

That blog turned into a few side design projects which turned into my full-time design business which evolved into the Made Vibrant brand that exists today.

It’s five years later, but with every single thing that I bring out of my head and out into the world today -- whether it’s something as big as a new website or as small as one Instagram post -- the same basic battle is waged between my fear and my creative impulse:

Will I express what’s inside or will my fear keep me from doing so?

In those moments, I always think back to that day I decided to start my first blog because it illuminates for me this very simple logical conclusion in my brain:

“The pain of standing still will always be greater than the fear of moving forward. ”

The PAIN (and yes, I do think it is a soulful, psychic kind of pain) of keeping untapped potential inside me is a fate far worse than putting it out into the world and seeing what comes of it.

Once you finally reach that rational conclusion, you start to feel you’re virtually unstoppable because you have no choice but to go on making.

THIS is the nugget that allows me to silence my fear and keep on creating things, and now it makes sense to me why Color Your Soul has felt like the most fearless thing I’ve ever created.

It’s not because I don’t HAVE these fears anymore (like I said, they’re always there, and, if anything, when it’s something you care so much about, they’re even more present); it’s simply that my fears are WAAAAY outgunned by the truth and vision and creative impulse I have within this project.

The notion of NOT publishing something this aligned with my creative spirit is so heartbreaking to consider that it makes the alternative -- overcoming my fears of rejection -- seem like nothing more than a necessary step in the process.

So, my challenge is to you this week is to get REALLY acquainted with the pain of standing still.

I want you to think about that thing -- that novel, or blog, or business, or song, or career -- still sitting inside you begging to be born. I want you to ask yourself what kind of impact that untapped potential is having on your heart, what kind of subtle shade it’s creating over your true spirit.

And then I want you to ask yourself:

What’s scarier -- overcoming your fears of rejection OR living your whole life with that subtle shade never being lifted?

I promise you...

Once you decide that your greatest fear is doing nothing at all, the courage to make things becomes a whole lot easier to muster.

Wishing you all an AMAZING week, and I’ll be back in your inbox on Thursday with all the details about the new website, Color Your Soul and more!

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Tapping Your Past To Find Clues To Your Future

Jason and I are officially leaving our year-long home here in Poway this week to head up the coast to our new condo in Oceanside. We get the keys on Wednesday and we’ll be all moved in by Friday. Eep! 

I’ll definitely miss a lot of things about our setup here but I’ve always been the type to be energized by a new adventure and a new environment to adapt to, so I’m beyond excited! The anticipation has been killing me!

This week though, as much as I’m excited for all that’s ahead of me, I actually want to focus a bit on the opposite. I want to talk a little about the past. Namely, YOUR past.

To kick things off, I’m going to ask you to step back in time a little (or a lot, depending on how old you are !) I want you to try and think back to when you were a kid. Try to put yourself back in those (tinier) shoes.

Now ask yourself: How did you spend the majority of your time? What were your hobbies? When you weren’t playing with your friends or doing your homework, what did you gravitate towards that made you lose track of time?

Last week I shared with you my DIY approach to picking a path in life. Some of you hopefully found that method helpful, but I know there were others of you that may have thought to yourself: But what if I don’t yet have a vision for my future? What if I don’t KNOW what I want my DIY path to be?

That’s who I want to talk to specifically today, to those of you who still feel lost when it comes to finding that meaningful, whole-hearted work we all want to be filling our days with.

And my advice begins with a story…

Two weeks ago when I was on my hands and knees on the floor of my art studio hand-painting 100 envelopes for the Art Shop, I had this weird flashback to when I was a kid.

It was 5th grade and I told my mom I wanted something special to give my “best friends” on our last day of school since some of them wouldn’t be attending the same middle school as me.

At my insistence, she brought me to Michael’s where I picked out tiny wooden “jewelry boxes” in the shape of treasure chests, as well as a different color of craft paint to match the personality of each of my six best friends. Then, with newspaper sprawled out on the floor of our concrete carport, I hand-painted each personalized box and wrote a different custom word on the top of each jewelry box in metallic paint pen.

Something about being on the floor, completely obvious to the time passing, joyfully creating something that I knew would be personal and meaningful to the recipient... it transported me straight back to my 5th grade self.

The thought of this memory with its highly specific combination of art, hand-lettering, and meaningful messaging almost gives me chills with how closely it resembles exactly what I now call my everyday work. And I was doing it naturally at 10 years old!

The more I thought about what I loved doing as a kid, the more of these memories started to bubble up. More personalized arts and crafts projects, more newspaper sprawled out, more hours of creating. I can almost feel the mix of cold, shaded concrete still underneath me and the warm Saturday afternoon air creeping in from the driveway. Creating was so clearly what I always wanted to do.

And yet it almost didn’t happen.

I almost went a completely different path in my life — listening to what teachers and other adults were telling me, that my high performance in school is what made me special. That I was no doubt going to be “successful.” That I would “make a great doctor or lawyer someday.” Even from that young age, the message was clear: art is just a hobby, not something to aspire to.

Thank goodness that inner kid inside me spoke up when I felt myself headed down a road that wasn’t resonating in my heart early on in my advertising career. Thank goodness she said, “Wait, who cares about being “successful!” Do what brings you joy!”

My point is this:

Our childhood selves in many ways represent our purest selves.

In my TEDx talk, I spoke about this theory I have in my head that I like to picture sometimes. That we all arrive in this world with our own unique “color” — a completely one-of-a-kind hue that encompasses the truest mix of our human potential. Our gifts, our talents, our personalities, our spirits.

As we grow older, the expectations of the world can often dim that technicolor potential with things like fear and stress and quest for recognition. But it’s our job to find our way back to that original state — our brightest, most vibrant state.

And I think one way to do that is to dig into who we were when we were younger.

As Danielle LaPorte once said:

“Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be?”

I know we didn’t all have happy childhoods, and I’m certainly not suggesting that we all need to revisit those years if they drudge up bad feelings.

BUT, I am suggesting that our early years can carry CLUES as to who and what we wanted to be before the expectations of the world came tumbling into the mix.

So my challenge to you this week is to answer those questions I started with:

How did you spend your time as a kid? What were your hobbies? When you weren’t playing with your friends or doing your homework, what did you gravitate towards that made you lose track of time? What did you want to be?

And more importantly, WHY did you want to be that?

I’m not necessarily recommending that if you wanted to be an astronaut that you should quit your job now and enroll in space camp (though if that really is you’re dream, I’m all for it!)

All I’m saying is that perhaps the memory of that childhood dream can remind you of your curiosity for the unknown or for understanding the universe or for connecting to something bigger than yourself. And, as my favorite Elizabeth Gilbert teaches us, you don’t have to follow your passion, you just have to follow your curiosity.

Sometimes, when you don’t know how to move forward, a moment spent looking backward can give you the clues you need to take the next step.

Wishing all of you a happy and productive week, and be on the lookout for Instagram photos of the new digs.

I’ve got my own dedicated studio in the new place whose floor is just begging to be used to paint envelopes!

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How To DIY Your Path In Life

When I started Made Vibrant, I remember thinking that I wanted some way to combine my loves of creativity/design, business, and personal growth into one job that I truly enjoyed.

But, looking around, I didn’t see many people successfully combining these multiple aspects into one cohesive brand.

It was early 2014 and at that time I saw designers talking about design; life coaches and lifestyle bloggers talking about personal growth; and internet marketers talking about business + marketing. Everything I read was telling me to choose ONE and go all in on that one thing.

But I didn’t want to choose. I saw a path for myself that (in my mind at least) didn’t exist yet.

Now, granted, it was by no means a clear path. It was hazy and unsure like the details of a dream you can’t quite recall. But with a certainty I can’t explain, I knew my intuition’s compass was pointing in a direction completely my own.

So, instead of following someone else’s roadmap, I stuck to my own. Every decision I made or every step forward I took I made based on my own intuition, trying as best I could to stay close to this "DIY path" of mine.

A few years later, I’m proud to say that the road is getting clearer and more certain every day. I’m proud that I’ve created a sustainable business blending all three of my loves: creativity, personal growth and business.

I’m living proof that you CAN build the path of your dreams if you do it with authenticity, consistency, persistence, and tremendous belief in the unique perspective you offer this world.

What I'm here to tell you is...

It's the DIY approach to your happiest life; if the path you desire doesn't exist, CREATE IT.

“It’s the DIY approach to your happiest life; if the path you desire doesn’t exist, CREATE IT.”

This reminds me of a particular part of my intuition-inspired e-guide, Connecting With Your Core, and I want to share it with you now because I think it’s pertinent to this week’s theme:

"Instead of picturing yourself at a perpetual crossroads, unsure of which path to take, I want you to imagine yourself moving forward toward an unmarked path. One that you must carve out yourself… If looking ahead leaves you feeling lost and confused, then stop looking ahead and start looking within. Forge your path from the inside out. Let go of the preconceptions you have about what your future has to look like. There’s no need to retrofit yourself into a prefabricated route; you have the ability to create a custom life. One that unfurls from within.”

In the book, I call this little concept “your Invisible Future” and my DIY-filled weekend reminded me of the importance of this approach.

So, my friends, that’s your challenge this week: to embody your own Invisible Future.

Imagine that the path before you cannot be seen from this present moment because it will only emerge as you start to let your inner voice guide you. Erase whatever assumptions you have about “picking a path” or going down a route that has already been carved for you.

Now, with a blank slate, write down your ideal path and where it would lead you one year from now. Ignore whether or not this is based on anything you’ve seen anyone else do before.

Lastly, write down three actions you can take this week that will start you down that path you envision.

If you have a vision for what your life can become, believe in it. Take the energy you’d spend on second-guessing it and pour that into your determination to make it happen.

In other words, I’m giving you permission to DIY the sh*t outta your own life (no power tools or hot glue guns required.)

Now get out there this week and bring your vision to life!

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Confidence And Learning To Trust Yourself

Happy Monday from the road, dear friends!

Over the course of the past week, Jason and I have played on the sand dunes in California; stopped in Sedona at our favorite inn, El Portal; traveled to Taos, New Mexico where we stayed for two days in something called an Earthship; cozied up to Waco, Texas to stay in one cool #FixerUpper; and passed through Lafayette, LA where I now find myself on the road somewhere near New Orleans. Phew, I’m exhausted just typing that! 

The adventure has included many, many miles of podcast episodes, road trip beef jerky, my poor attempt at navigation, and, thankfully, a few surprisingly weak moments on Jason’s part when he agreed to let me listen to Christmas music (GASP! - Pentatonix Deluxe Christmas album anyone? Big fan right here.) 

As I type this now we are heading to our last stop — Seaside, FL — before arriving in Jacksonville on Wednesday just in time for Thanksgiving. Woohoo! 

Road trips are my very favorite for SO many reasons, but this trip actually has very little to do with what I want to talk about this week. 

This week I want to talk about something interesting that popped up following last week’s letter on “actionizing.” Some of you might remember that at the bottom of the newsletter I asked you to email me with anything that you might need right now -- something I could help with as a small act of sending love out into the world.  

Well, about 40 of you wrote in (thank you for that, by the way!) and I did my best to make time to write back to each one in between road trip activities. What astounded me about your replies though was the fact that the majority of you said that you needed more of the very SAME two things: confidence and motivation. 

Over and over the responses came in with those two words calling out to me. So, I’m taking the hint here and this week I want to tackle one of those (one that I especially struggled with in my first year of business), and that’s confidence. 

The problem with this, though, is that confidence is not a simple problem with a simple solution. 

How does one encourage another to have confidence? How can I give someone something that so clearly has to come from within? 

But that’s when I thought to myself: I may not be able to GIVE someone confidence, but maybe I can help someone see their own confidence in a new light. Maybe I can uncover a new way of looking at confidence, a new angle that might allow some of you out there to finally have that light bulb moment that could make all the difference. 

So I asked myself: What exactly is confidence? Where does it come from? How do we relate to it? 

I thought about all the times I have to call upon my confidence: 

• When I stand on a stage and deliver a speech. 
• When I speak up and share my opinion at a dinner party. 
• Every time I share a piece of my art on social media or hit send on an email to you guys. 
• When I walk into a room full of strangers and have to introduce myself. 

Each one of these moments requires confidence. And when I broke each of these situations down further, I realized that in each of those moments, the thing that allows me to walk confidently or speak confidently or share confidently is that I have built up trust with myself.

“Confidence is really about being able to TRUST yourself.”

• Do I trust that I’ll be able to deliver the speech without blanking? 
• Do I trust that my opinions are well thought-out and sincere when I speak up? 
• Do I trust that I believe in my artistic talents enough that even if no one likes my photo or shares my email, I won’t stop creating?
• Do I trust that even if I introduce myself to a stranger and they have no interest in what I do or say that it won’t affect my self-image? 

The trust you have with yourself is what your confidence rests on. 

And so that’s when I started wondering, well if confidence rests on trust, how do we build trust with ourselves? Because if we can understand how to build trust, then maybe we can better understand how to boost our confidence too. 

Thankfully I remembered this fascinating talk by Brené Brown called "The Anatomy of Trust" that I might have shared with you guys a few weeks back. 

In it, Brené talks about the fact that the research shows that “trust is built in very small moments” — these tiny opportunities in which people choose to show us they’re worthy of our trust. 

She compares trust to a marble jar, where others can do small things to demonstrate they’re trust-worthy and each time they do we add a mental marble to their jar. Only when the marble jar is full do we feel we can trust someone. 

In other words, trust is earned.

People have to show us that they’re deserving of our trust because that’s how we feel safe and protected from betrayal.

Brené goes on to break down the “anatomy of trust” into its parts, which can be remembered using the acronym B.R.A.V.I.N.G.: Boundaries, Reliability, Accountability, Vault, Integrity, Non-judgment, and Generosity. (I recommend giving the talk a watch now if you want to better understand what each of the elements of trust pertains to. It’s a great talk!)

But the reason I want to share all of this with you is because while Brené's talk is in the context of trusting other people, I was struck by how transferable all her points were to the practice of learning to trust ourselves. 

Just like trust, confidence is built in a series of small moments. 

We have to demonstrate to ourselves that we are deserving of trust, and thus, that our confidence is not misplaced. 

How do we do that? The same way we would show others we’re trustworthy. Through B.R.A.V.I.N.G. 

• By protecting the boundaries we create for ourselves. (Saying NO when we need to, protecting the time we set aside for ourselves, etc.)
• By proving to ourselves we’re reliable. (Keeping the promises we make to ourselves, not just once but over and over.)
• By showing accountability when we’ve come up short. (Acknowledging our short-comings, apologizing and moving on.) 
• By being a vault for ourselves. (Not disseminating hurtful words and thoughts to others about ourselves, keeping what’s sacred to us sacred.)
• By showing integrity. (Practicing our values in tough situations rather than just professing them.) 
• By showing compassion for ourselves and non-judgment in our moments of needing help. (Eliminating negative self-talk when we feel at our weakest.)
• By assuming the most generous thing about our own intentions and behavior, (Choosing to see the best in ourselves.)

That last one in particular really stuck with me as the crux of this trust/confidence business: generosity. 

Are you generous in your assumptions with yourself?

In other words, do you see the best in yourself? Do you give yourself the benefit of the doubt? If not, I’m betting you find it hard to trust yourself, and if that’s the case, you probably also find it hard to muster confidence at times. 

So often we think of confidence as something that is dependent upon the behavior of other people. That our ability to approach a situation confidently relies on whether or not other people will accept us or reject us. But if we continue to think of it that way, we’re giving up our power to build our confidence and improve it over time. 

Instead, we have to think about confidence as an inside job. We have to think of our actions as marbles in the jar of trust we have with ourselves. If we can build up enough trust to KNOW that the actions or responses of other people won’t prevent us from continuing to go after our dreams, then our inner selves will feel safe enough to create confidently. To share confidently. To speak confidently. 

So, this week, I challenge you to take a hard look at where your confidence is right now.

Do you have trouble trusting yourself? If so, try to pin point why that is using Brené’s BRAVING model above. Is it because you break your promises to yourself? Because you’re afraid you’ll judge yourself if you put yourself out there? Is it because you have trouble living your values in moments that are challenging? 

Whatever it is, I want you to identify it and decide one way you can start building more trust within yourself. Maybe it’s a commitment to talk more kindly to yourself or to make it your mission to follow through on your next promise no matter what. 

Whatever you choose, remember ultimately that confidence has to come from within you.

You have to fill up your own marble jar with enough tiny moments to know that when you encounter a situation that requires you to be confident, that you have your own back. 

Hope that gives you something to chew on this week!

Wishing you a happy holiday filled with food, family and gratitude! 

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Defending The Essential

Boy oh boy has it been a whirlwind of a few weeks for me! 

My world, my routines, my comfort — they’ve all been turned upside down by trips to South Dakota then Mexico then Palm Springs. My introverted ways have definitely been tested from moments of speaking to crowds and navigating group vacations and giving my all to days and days of conversation. 

Don’t get me wrong, while this stretch has brought me immense joy with its gorgeous views, lasting memories and deepening friendships, if I’m being honest, coming out the other side feels a bit like I've been tossed around in a washing machine with no clue as to which way is up. 

At first glance it's hard to know how I got so "over-booked" in the first place, but upon further inspection, it's actually no wonder at all.  

As humans, our instinct is to think we can do it all.

Of course I want to speak at TEDx! Of course I want to go on a Mexican vacation! OF COURSE I want to have a fun girls trip with my best friends in the world! 

But all at once? Back to back? My current state is teaching me... maybe not so much. 

Which leads me to this week's topic: essentialism. 

To be more accurate, that's Essentialism with a capital E, because when I returned from my trip on Friday, as a part of my I'm-an-introvert-and-need-alone-time recuperation regiment, I started reading the book Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown.

The guiding principle of the book can be boiled down to this one phrase: less but better. It's the acknowledgement that eliminating non-essentials and focusing on a few key things will allow us to more effectively allocate our limited resources (time, money, energy, thought, etc.) to the things that matter most. 

I'm just a few chapters in and already it's proving to be a powerful reminder for me of how defining the essential can be applied to all sorts of things: my work productivity, my business strategy, my wardrobe, my relationships, my daily routine... the list goes on. 

The timing of the book felt especially poignant for me (coming off my "I can do it all" travel-palooza) when I read this:

“But when we try to do it all and have it all, we find ourselves making trade-offs at the margins that we would never take on as our intentional strategy. When we don’t purposefully and deliberately choose where to focus our energies and time, other people — our bosses, our colleagues, our clients, and even our families — will choose for us, and before long we’ll have lost sight of everything that is meaningful and important. We can either make our choices deliberately or allow other people’s agendas to control our lives.”

— Greg McKeown, Essentialism

The thing that stood out to me there was the part about trade-offs. By assuming I could cram all of this travel into my schedule, there are things I had to sacrifice that I would never normally intentionally sacrifice. Things like my daily art practice, keeping up with this community, healthier habits, enough sleep, etc. 

By sitting down and really defining what is essential -- what we value MOST in our lives (ie. not a list of 40 things) -- we are better equipped to take control over those trade-offs. 

The lesson I learned these past few weeks was that as much as I think I know what my values are, I need to do a better job of defining them and, more importantly, protecting them. I need to take a hard look at what is absolutely essential in my own life so that I can decide what trade-offs I'm willing to make, rather than let other people choose for me. (For the record, let me be clear that no one forced me to go on these trips, nor did I NOT want to go. That's the whole point, I wanted so badly to do everything that I avoided making a hard decision that could have spared me from sacrificing some of my essentials.)

Before I wrap up, I want to share with you a timely example of someone I admire immensely defining their "essential" and defending it courageously.

Last night, I had the pleasure of seeing Elizabeth Gilbert on her Big Magic book tour. She was magnificent and wise and as delightful as I’d always imagined. (Side note: as I was writing this newsletter, she actually regrammed my lettering piece of one of my favorite quotes in her book and I pretty much died -- in the best way possible of course!)

At the end of the evening though last night, right before you might expect her to announce where you could line up to have her sign a copy of her book, with a heavy heart she sincerely explained why she had made the decision NOT to do a book signing line on this tour. She very clearly and authentically expressed that she knew the limitations of her body and her health, and after doing several previous book tours, she knew that she wouldn't last through the middle of December across multiple continents if every night she greeted hundreds individually. Her body (or energy reserves) just wouldn't allow it.

She apologized, of course, and while for a moment I was disappointed that I wouldn’t get to give her the giant bear hug I'd planned, that moment of disappointment quickly turned into immense respect and gratitude.

She was showing us (showing me) what an intentional trade-off looks like up close. She was showing me what it looks like to make hard decisions in defense of your values. Staying energized to the max so that she can give every audience her best self requires saying NO to hours of hugs and book signings and convos with audience members, and that's a trade-off that, while difficult, was worth it. It required delivering momentary disappointment in exchange for her essential -- staying healthy and being the best version of herself for the duration of the tour.

What a gift, I thought.

After explaining all of this, she ended by reciting this poem by Louise Erdrich, throughout the entirety of which I could not wipe the huge grin off my face because it could not have been more fitting for this idea of trade-offs and defining what is essential to us.

Here’s the poem: 

"Advice to Myself" by Louise Erdrich

Leave the dishes.
Let the celery rot in the bottom drawer of the refrigerator
and an earthen scum harden on the kitchen floor.
Leave the black crumbs in the bottom of the toaster.
Throw the cracked bowl out and don't patch the cup.
Don't patch anything. Don't mend. Buy safety pins.
Don't even sew on a button.
Let the wind have its way, then the earth
that invades as dust and then the dead
foaming up in gray rolls underneath the couch.
Talk to them. Tell them they are welcome.
Don't keep all the pieces of the puzzles
or the doll's tiny shoes in pairs, don't worry
who uses whose toothbrush or if anything
matches, at all.
Except one word to another. Or a thought.
Pursue the authentic - decide first
what is authentic,
then go after it with all your heart.
Your heart, that place
you don't even think of cleaning out.
That closet stuffed with savage mementos.
Don't sort the paper clips from screws from saved baby teeth
or worry if we're all eating cereal for dinner again. Don't answer
the telephone, ever,
or weep over anything at all that breaks.
Pink molds will grow within those sealed cartons
in the refrigerator. Accept new forms of life
and talk to the dead
who drift in through the screened windows, who collect
patiently on the tops of food jars and books.
Recycle the mail, don't read it, don't read anything
except what destroys
the insulation between yourself and your experience
or what pulls down or what strikes at or what shatters
this ruse you call necessity.

Ahhh, yes. "This ruse you call necessity."

I adore this poem. I adore it because it is a poignant and (to me) hilarious reminder of the trade-offs we must make in life in order to protect our TRUE necessities, our essential. The things that make us come alive. The things that "destroy the insulation" between ourselves and our experiences. That magical transcendence of living in alignment with our true selves. 

So my challenge to you this week is to first define your essential.

What are the things you're simply not willing to sacrifice as a trade-off? Is it your health? The pursuit of your creativity? Is it that hour of silence you require in the morning to start your day right? Is it doing work that gives you that fiery stir in the pit of your stomach? 

Whatever it is, write it down. Once you do that, I'd also encourage you to write down some of the trade-offs you might have to make in order to DEFEND those things. 

“It’s not enough to define what’s essential to us; we must also DEFEND what is essential to us.”

Get really honest with yourself and write down some hard ones. It might be saying no to the book club you love so you can spend that hour each week writing the first draft of your own book. It might be shelving that business idea for now so that you can be all in with your kids when they get home from school. Whatever those values are, it's important to prepare yourself for those challenging moments when you might have to protect them. 

Looking back, I wish I had a better sense of my own essentials so that I had the courage to raise my hand and say "I can't travel on those dates" because even though I loved each of those trips and enjoyed them, I'd be lying to myself if I said I brought my best self to each experience, and that's not fair to me or anyone else. 

Anyway, happy to be re-connecting with you guys and thanks for your patience in the Slack channel and on email lately -- I appreciate it. 

Wishing you a week of less, but better!

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