How To Make Big Choices With Less Stress

Today I want to talk to you about choices.

Whether it’s in life or in business, we are constantly being bombarded by choices from every angle.

Choose where you want your next travel adventure to be.

Choose the best name for your brand.

Choose what website platform you want.

Choose what to have for lunch.

Choose. Choose. Choose.

Never has this been more evident than in the past few days as Jason and I have navigated the process of choosing a new place to live!

As some of you know, we moved out here to California from Florida last year and were lucky enough to find an ah-mazing house outside of San Diego to rent with our two friends, Clay and Julia. 

The year has been incredible, and I honestly think this house had a lot to do with it — the natural light pouring in from every window; a dedicated space just for my art; the beauty of two acres of nature surrounding us at all times.

But now it’s time to move on. Our lease is up next month (March 31) and so for the past few months we’ve been on the hunt for our next adventure, the next place to call home.

We’ve looked in several cities: San Diego, Encinitas, San Clemente, and San Luis Obispo. We’ve thought about a house or a condo or an apartment. We’ve endlessly debated whether it’s more important to have a view or have an updated kitchen or big windows with natural light or about a dozen other variables. We’ve scoured hundreds of listings which has led us to tour about 10 different places for rent.

This whole process became substantially accelerated on Friday when after one particular showing of a beachy, modern, loft-like condo in the town of Oceanside, CA, we finally felt like we had a viable option on our hands -- a place we could really see ourselves in.

But on Saturday we already had about five showings lined up in San Clemente, so we decided to go ahead and see those places to get a well-rounded view of what was available to us. As the weekend went on, it became clear that this might be the big moment when we had to choose where we’d spend the next year of our California adventure.

Now, before I get into how that story ends, I want you to think about the last time you had to make a big decision (or perhaps a whole slew of tinier decisions at once.) Did you find the process exhausting? Stressful? Scary?

My guess is YES to all of the above.

Why? Because we’re all terrified of being wrong.

Over the past few years, I’ve recognized one particular archetype over and over again when it comes to decision-making, one type of person that takes this fear of being wrong to the next level. I’ve seen it in my friends and family, and from time to time, I’ve even seen it in myself.

This archetype is a person that I like to call “the Optimizer.”

The Optimizer is someone who is always interested in arriving at the BEST possible decision, the optimal solution to any problem, the greatest reward for the least amount of waste possible.

The Optimizer’s greatest fear is missing out on an opportunity — whether that’s an opportunity to have a better experience, to save more money, to convert more sales, etc. The Optimizer doesn’t just have FOMO, they have FOMOO 🐮(Fear Of Missing Out on Opportunities).

Now, some of you may be thinking — well what’s wrong with being an Optimizer? What’s wrong with wanting to make the best possible decision? Isn’t that what we all want?

Well, the danger with being an Optimizer is this: more often than not, this type of maximum pay-off decision making results in either massive amounts of anxiety OR, what’s worse, complete paralysis which leads to choosing nothing at all.

By the way, as the girl who waited a YEAR to start my first personal blog because I couldn’t decide on the optimal name, I’m speaking with a little bit of experience in Optimizer Induced Paralysis (man I really wish that acronym worked out to be OINK instead of OIP to continue the theme of animal-related clever acronyms. 🐷)

As blogger James Clear writes, our first choice is hardly ever the optimal choice. The first person we date is rarely the one that we marry, just like the first job we have is rarely our life-long career. We need to recognize this, become okay with it, and realize that the important part is simply that we make a decision and we move forward.

So, all that said, here are my three simple steps for less-stress decision-making and avoiding Optimizer Induced Paralysis:
 

1. Recognize the trade-offs associated with optimizing.

The first step is to recognize when you’re overly concerned with picking the optimal option. Bring awareness to what you’re actually losing in the present by trying to optimize your future. This could be your sanity, your sleep, your presence with your family or friends, etc. More often than any of those things, what you’re actually losing is TIME. The more you put off a decision because you’re looking for an optimal solution, the more time goes by that you could be testing, learning and living. Looking back, I kick myself for waiting an entire year to start my blog. That could have been an entire year of writing and learning under my belt and it was wasted because of my decision paralysis.
 

2. Choose hard.

This advice comes courtesy of my new friend and art-affirmation-ally, Steph Halligan. (Steph creates a daily cartoon with a positive message at ArtToSelf.com and even has a book with all her amazing cartoons. Definitely check it out!) Steph said this to me during a call we had last week and I think it could be one of those little phrases that sticks with me forever. Once you do move forward and decide to choose, it’s not necessarily about making the right choice as much as it’s about choosing HARD. It’s about committing to that choice. Going all in. (I shared more on this little bit of wisdom in Saturday's piece here.)
 

3. Close the door on outcomes not chosen.

Remember that FOMOO I talked about? Well making peace with your decision means not second guessing yourself. Don’t keep the mental door open on those other choices because if you do, you’ll find yourself wondering “What if I had chosen that.” Not only will this cause you inner turmoil, but it will also subconsciously have you pulling back from the reality you did choose. In other words, once you order from the menu, keep your eyes on your own food. Don’t waste time wishing you had ordered what the person next to you did. Savor the deliciousness of the choice you made.

And finally, remember:

“The win is not in making the optimal choice, it’s that we simply MAKE a choice (often & with confidence.).”

My challenge to you this week is to take one choice in your life right now that you’ve been dragging your feet on and see if you can use the three steps above to get you to a decision you’re happy with.

To wrap our story up, Jason and I found ourselves momentarily conflicted between a few properties from our house hunt, but ultimately we decided to take Steph's advice and choose hard. We submitted an application and we haven't looked back since. Hopefully next week I'll be able to reveal which place we chose and I'll be able to tell you more about our the next chapter of our lives here.

Choices surround us day in and day out. Don't let the fear of choosing "wrong" keep you motionless. Keep choosing hard and keep moving forward my friends.

Ultimately, an optimal life is the one in which you're not constantly stressed out from the notion of choosing.

Until next time!

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Is There A Secret To Sustained Motivation?

As we get closer to the end of the year, predictably I want to spend some time getting us all thinking about what our ideal 2016 would look like. 

It’s no secret that I believe whole-heartedly in the power of intention. Which really just boils down to the idea of not living a passive life. Instead, I believe in living an active life, one where you craft your experiences and moments and lifestyle by taking deliberate actions that support your values. One of the biggest mental shifts I’ve made in the past few years is the realization that Life doesn’t just happen to me; I have the power to get out there and happen to Life.

That’s what intentional living is to me, and that’s why I want to chat about starting to set those 2016 intentions now. 

BUT, taking action is hard, isn’t it?

As I mentioned a few weeks back, the two biggest struggles that I hear over and over again from you guys in the community are confidence and motivation. We tackled confidence a few weeks back but now I want to talk a bit about motivation as we inch toward a new year and a blank slate. 

Unfortunately, motivation can be a tricky beast because, like confidence, it’s an intrinsic feeling. Sure, you can get short boosts in motivation from outside sources — coaches, friends, books, etc. — but ultimately sustainable motivation has to come from within. 

Knowing this, I want to share with you one mindset that has helped me find sustainable motivation for several of the intentions I set forth for myself this year. 

And, as an example, let’s talk about this newsletter. 

Once I hit Send, this will be my 96th newsletter in two years. I’ve written every week of the year with the exception of the holidays, and I maintain that it is the single most important engine of growth for Made Vibrant. 

And over the course of the past month or so I’ve had several people asking me about this newsletter. 

How do you find the time to write that much content every week? 

How do you come up with ideas about what to write about? 

How do you grow your list and keep people engaged? 

All great questions with one pretty simple answer: 

This newsletter is my non-negotiable. 

Knowing just how important consistency and authenticity are to the success of a business, I made a decision when I started Made Vibrant that I would have one single tactic that I kept consistent no matter what. 

Why did I decide that? Because I know that will power is the sneaky saboteur of motivation. 

Will power is what ruins our well-laid plans for eating healthier, for exercising more, for making time to create, for doing anything we set out to do. Will power is what we have to engage in order to say “NO, Brain, I’m going to do THIS thing, not that other thing that’s more delicious or more fun or a heckofalot easier.”

Will power is the muscle that we use to make good choices. And for most of us, that muscle is out. of. shape. 

I knew that if I left things up to my will power — if I told myself I wanted to write weekly but that I’d “see how I feel” every Monday morning — that I would easily negotiate my way out of it and come up with a reason not to hit send. 

Instead, though, by telling myself up front that there is NO way out of this agreement I have with myself, that there is no other choice to be made, somehow it allowed me to psychologically outsmart my will power muscle. It’s like my brain said, “Take a seat, Will Power, we’re not going to need you on this one. There’s no decision to be made here.” 

That simple perspective shift allows me to sit down Monday after Monday and write NO MATTER WHAT because my will power isn’t even allowed to have a seat at the table during the conversation. 

“Establishing a non-negotiable ensures that your wobbly will power won’t derail your intentional progress.”

Does that make sense? 

In two years I’ve grown this list from 2 people to 3,300 people and that is only because I’m able to put out consistent, relatable, valuable content. 

Which brings me back to you. 

YOU are at the brink of a bright and shiny new year with wonderful, infinite possibilities. Just think, for you maybe 2016 is: 

The Year Of Financial Freedom

The Year Of Business Growth

The Year Of Creative Exploration

The Year Of Self-Discovery

The Year Of Adventure

The Year Of Healthful Living

The Year Of Emotional Healing

The list goes on…

But right now, today, I want you to do this one thing for me. I want you to choose ONE non-negotiable for 2016.

Decide on one thing that you want to do on a regular basis that could change things in a big way if you stick with it. And then, every day until 2016 begins, I want you to say to yourself, “Sorry Will Power, there is no decision to be made here.” 

(If you want, feel free to tweet at me and let me know what your non-negotiable is!)

The truth is, there is no secret to sustained motivation. There is nothing I can say that will make the road easier for you.

YOU have to decide that what’s on the other side of consistency and discipline and sacrifice is well worth the discomfort of what it takes to get there. 

And as someone who has experienced the immeasurably satisfying benefits of building a community of generous, supportive, soulful creatives (that's YOU!), I can tell you that it is well worth the moments of discomfort I had to push through on those weeks when I didn’t know what to write or I was busy as all get out or I was sick or I was tired. 

These letters are my non-negotiable and I’m immensely grateful for that. 

Thank you so much for reading week after week and for sending these letters along to your friends so they can join us. My life is more rich and delightful because I get to connect with all of you. 

Wishing you all a happy week as we prepare for a new year of possibilities!

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Confidence And Learning To Trust Yourself

Happy Monday from the road, dear friends!

Over the course of the past week, Jason and I have played on the sand dunes in California; stopped in Sedona at our favorite inn, El Portal; traveled to Taos, New Mexico where we stayed for two days in something called an Earthship; cozied up to Waco, Texas to stay in one cool #FixerUpper; and passed through Lafayette, LA where I now find myself on the road somewhere near New Orleans. Phew, I’m exhausted just typing that! 

The adventure has included many, many miles of podcast episodes, road trip beef jerky, my poor attempt at navigation, and, thankfully, a few surprisingly weak moments on Jason’s part when he agreed to let me listen to Christmas music (GASP! - Pentatonix Deluxe Christmas album anyone? Big fan right here.) 

As I type this now we are heading to our last stop — Seaside, FL — before arriving in Jacksonville on Wednesday just in time for Thanksgiving. Woohoo! 

Road trips are my very favorite for SO many reasons, but this trip actually has very little to do with what I want to talk about this week. 

This week I want to talk about something interesting that popped up following last week’s letter on “actionizing.” Some of you might remember that at the bottom of the newsletter I asked you to email me with anything that you might need right now -- something I could help with as a small act of sending love out into the world.  

Well, about 40 of you wrote in (thank you for that, by the way!) and I did my best to make time to write back to each one in between road trip activities. What astounded me about your replies though was the fact that the majority of you said that you needed more of the very SAME two things: confidence and motivation. 

Over and over the responses came in with those two words calling out to me. So, I’m taking the hint here and this week I want to tackle one of those (one that I especially struggled with in my first year of business), and that’s confidence. 

The problem with this, though, is that confidence is not a simple problem with a simple solution. 

How does one encourage another to have confidence? How can I give someone something that so clearly has to come from within? 

But that’s when I thought to myself: I may not be able to GIVE someone confidence, but maybe I can help someone see their own confidence in a new light. Maybe I can uncover a new way of looking at confidence, a new angle that might allow some of you out there to finally have that light bulb moment that could make all the difference. 

So I asked myself: What exactly is confidence? Where does it come from? How do we relate to it? 

I thought about all the times I have to call upon my confidence: 

• When I stand on a stage and deliver a speech. 
• When I speak up and share my opinion at a dinner party. 
• Every time I share a piece of my art on social media or hit send on an email to you guys. 
• When I walk into a room full of strangers and have to introduce myself. 

Each one of these moments requires confidence. And when I broke each of these situations down further, I realized that in each of those moments, the thing that allows me to walk confidently or speak confidently or share confidently is that I have built up trust with myself.

“Confidence is really about being able to TRUST yourself.”

• Do I trust that I’ll be able to deliver the speech without blanking? 
• Do I trust that my opinions are well thought-out and sincere when I speak up? 
• Do I trust that I believe in my artistic talents enough that even if no one likes my photo or shares my email, I won’t stop creating?
• Do I trust that even if I introduce myself to a stranger and they have no interest in what I do or say that it won’t affect my self-image? 

The trust you have with yourself is what your confidence rests on. 

And so that’s when I started wondering, well if confidence rests on trust, how do we build trust with ourselves? Because if we can understand how to build trust, then maybe we can better understand how to boost our confidence too. 

Thankfully I remembered this fascinating talk by Brené Brown called "The Anatomy of Trust" that I might have shared with you guys a few weeks back. 

In it, Brené talks about the fact that the research shows that “trust is built in very small moments” — these tiny opportunities in which people choose to show us they’re worthy of our trust. 

She compares trust to a marble jar, where others can do small things to demonstrate they’re trust-worthy and each time they do we add a mental marble to their jar. Only when the marble jar is full do we feel we can trust someone. 

In other words, trust is earned.

People have to show us that they’re deserving of our trust because that’s how we feel safe and protected from betrayal.

Brené goes on to break down the “anatomy of trust” into its parts, which can be remembered using the acronym B.R.A.V.I.N.G.: Boundaries, Reliability, Accountability, Vault, Integrity, Non-judgment, and Generosity. (I recommend giving the talk a watch now if you want to better understand what each of the elements of trust pertains to. It’s a great talk!)

But the reason I want to share all of this with you is because while Brené's talk is in the context of trusting other people, I was struck by how transferable all her points were to the practice of learning to trust ourselves. 

Just like trust, confidence is built in a series of small moments. 

We have to demonstrate to ourselves that we are deserving of trust, and thus, that our confidence is not misplaced. 

How do we do that? The same way we would show others we’re trustworthy. Through B.R.A.V.I.N.G. 

• By protecting the boundaries we create for ourselves. (Saying NO when we need to, protecting the time we set aside for ourselves, etc.)
• By proving to ourselves we’re reliable. (Keeping the promises we make to ourselves, not just once but over and over.)
• By showing accountability when we’ve come up short. (Acknowledging our short-comings, apologizing and moving on.) 
• By being a vault for ourselves. (Not disseminating hurtful words and thoughts to others about ourselves, keeping what’s sacred to us sacred.)
• By showing integrity. (Practicing our values in tough situations rather than just professing them.) 
• By showing compassion for ourselves and non-judgment in our moments of needing help. (Eliminating negative self-talk when we feel at our weakest.)
• By assuming the most generous thing about our own intentions and behavior, (Choosing to see the best in ourselves.)

That last one in particular really stuck with me as the crux of this trust/confidence business: generosity. 

Are you generous in your assumptions with yourself?

In other words, do you see the best in yourself? Do you give yourself the benefit of the doubt? If not, I’m betting you find it hard to trust yourself, and if that’s the case, you probably also find it hard to muster confidence at times. 

So often we think of confidence as something that is dependent upon the behavior of other people. That our ability to approach a situation confidently relies on whether or not other people will accept us or reject us. But if we continue to think of it that way, we’re giving up our power to build our confidence and improve it over time. 

Instead, we have to think about confidence as an inside job. We have to think of our actions as marbles in the jar of trust we have with ourselves. If we can build up enough trust to KNOW that the actions or responses of other people won’t prevent us from continuing to go after our dreams, then our inner selves will feel safe enough to create confidently. To share confidently. To speak confidently. 

So, this week, I challenge you to take a hard look at where your confidence is right now.

Do you have trouble trusting yourself? If so, try to pin point why that is using Brené’s BRAVING model above. Is it because you break your promises to yourself? Because you’re afraid you’ll judge yourself if you put yourself out there? Is it because you have trouble living your values in moments that are challenging? 

Whatever it is, I want you to identify it and decide one way you can start building more trust within yourself. Maybe it’s a commitment to talk more kindly to yourself or to make it your mission to follow through on your next promise no matter what. 

Whatever you choose, remember ultimately that confidence has to come from within you.

You have to fill up your own marble jar with enough tiny moments to know that when you encounter a situation that requires you to be confident, that you have your own back. 

Hope that gives you something to chew on this week!

Wishing you a happy holiday filled with food, family and gratitude! 

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