Why Creating a Shared Vocabulary Is Crucial To Effective Communication

Have you ever found yourself in a situation with another person where you felt completely incapable of communicating? Like nothing you were saying was getting through or being construed in the way you could see it in your head?

I know I have, and the situation that immediately comes to mind for me is my relationship with my partner, Jason.

Now most of you have heard me talk about Jason in these letters before, and rightfully so because he is 100% my other half. For six years now we’ve been living together, working together, co-parenting our fur-child Plaxico together, spending literally 95% off our days together, and it’s led us to develop a deep mutual respect and love for each other. We really are that “best friends” couple cliche.

AND YET, while the rainbows and butterflies of any relationship are nice to talk about, that’s never the full picture, is it (despite what the news feeds of the world might suggest…)?
 

Maintaining a healthy and happy relationship is NOT easy. We’re two separate humans with two separate perspectives (and two separate gender-specific biology) and all of that means we have to work hard to communicate our way through challenges and disagreements so that we emerge stronger and closer together, not weaker and further apart.

Over the years there have been so many hard conversations, one’s where it felt like we were two strangers in a foreign land, speaking separate languages AT one another without a word of understanding between us.

What I’ve learned over time is that in order to remedy this, in order to communicate in a way that will actually move a conversation forward, you have to begin by creating a shared vocabulary.

Let’s take the language most of us probably know if you’re reading this right now: English. The only way that I’m able to share my thoughts with you in an effective way every week and actually get my intention across is because I, the sender of this message, and you, the receiver of this message, agree on the basic definition and meaning of each word (aka the building blocks) of this message. Our shared vocabulary allows us to see this message from a fundamentally similar perspective so we’re able to connect.

But, when this isn’t the case, when two people are trying to communicate without a shared understanding of the building blocks of the message, that’s when the wires get crossed and everything turns to noise. The message can’t connect.

I think this is why a book like The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman has found itself on the bestseller list for YEARS. This book acts like a dictionary of physical and emotional cues between partners that creates that essential shared vocabulary. It gives two people in a relationship a way to define and bring shared meaning to certain behaviors which gives them a way to talk about their needs in a way that BOTH people can understand.

So what about expanding that beyond relationships? What about creating a shared vocabulary between you and your friends, or family members or even customers?

In Brene Brown’s book, Rising Strong, she proposes a simple tip for helping to create that shared vocabulary between two people that leads to understanding. When you find yourself feeling hurt (which we can all agree is the criteria for 99% of disagreements or conflict in relationships) you can say the phrase: “The story I’m telling myself is…” in order to voice those inner stories floating around in your head constructed from that hurt place.

In a conversation with a best friend who hasn’t called you back it might be “The story I’m telling myself is that I’m not important enough to make time for.” That adds honesty and context to the conversation which can open up the lines of communication between you and a friend that may just be going through a particularly tough time and needs space. That simple phrase helps bring shared meaning to the time between phone calls, a signal that could be interpreted way differently by both people trying to communicate.

In the case of Jason and myself, probably the most stark of our differences is the fact that I am an exceptionally sensitive person and he is an exceptionally stoic person. It’s something that brings balance to our partnership, but it also creates difficulties in communicating too. Over time though, we’ve been able to develop a shared understanding around each of our emotional biases to situations. When I feel hurt or down or particularly sensitive, I’m able to let him know it’s not because of something he did; and when he responds to a situation in a way that might feel unemotional, he’s able to let me know it’s actually not because he doesn’t care. This shared vocabulary has allowed us to add texture and awareness to each other’s perspectives so that we can talk through any challenges in a constructive and mature way.

Working through things this way may be harder than just reacting, but every day we inch just a little bit closer to the middle of the emotional spectrum so that we can understand each other better.

It might sound silly, but I believe this simple concept can even help you in business. By clearly defining a few simple ideas for your audience or customers first, you can create a clearer, more powerful line of connection between you. It’s why I always talk about what it means to live a VIBRANT life, or what it’s like to be a soulful creative. This is the shared vocabulary that brings an even richer, more nuanced level of understanding to our conversations.

So, whether it’s your partner, a family member, an employee or coworker, or your customers, if you want to get your message across, communicating with a shared vocabulary is essential in reaching a mutual understanding. 

“Communicating with a shared vocabulary is essential in reaching a mutual understanding. ”

My challenge to you is the next time you find yourself in a conflict, disagreement or a simple misunderstanding with someone, before moving forward ask yourself if you’re operating with a shared vocabulary.

See if you can dig in and first bring awareness to the building blocks of the message you’re trying to send. Are their assumptions at play that need to be verbalized? Are their emotional differences and perspectives that first need to be communicated?

Communicating is most effective when you’re on the same page, and that’s all a shared vocabulary does. I know it’s helped me have more meaningful conversations and interactions in my own life. So while I continue to learn and navigate my own interpersonal relationships, at least I know the ones I am able to cultivate are built on a foundation of effective communication.

Thanks for reading, as always, and check out the latest news and updates on all things Made Vibrant below!

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Eliminating Expectations

Every year when the holidays roll around, I find that there are inevitably so many opportunities to put high expectations on everything (and everyone.)

Expectations for what this season should feel like. Expectations of what the weather should be (not 80 degrees on Christmas Day, thank you, Florida). Of how and where we want our families to get together. Expectations for what gifts we’ll receive. Expectations for how someone should react to the gifts we give them. Expectations of people we need to see and the holiday parties we should be attending and the traditions we should be keeping up with. 

And, given all of these expectations, there have been years in the past when I’ve found myself at the end of this holiday time period a bit… well... disappointed. Like I wanted it to feel so magical and warm and merry, but all I ended up feeling was stretched too thin with not enough time — like the whole thing whizzed by me and then it was gone. 

Have you ever felt this way? Like you had an idea of what you wanted from the holiday season but then when it finally came it somehow came up short? 

That’s not what I want for us! 

I want you and me both to soak up every moment of these final two weeks of the year. I want it to be a time of comfort and rest and peace, not one of stress and potential disappointment. 

So, to help achieve that, I thought I’d share with you a very simple idea that I learned about years ago which has framed the way I look at expectations (and protected me from disappointment in MANY different situations) ever since. 

I call it the Math of Disappointment and it’s this simple “equation”: 

Expectations - Reality = Disappointment

Take that in for a second. If you were to read this equation in plain English, you could say “Disappointment is the difference between expectations and reality.” 

When our expectations are so high that reality fails to meet them, that's when we find ourselves disappointed.

It’s a simple but powerful relationship to acknowledge. 

With that logic, one way of course to decrease our disappointment in this equation would be to simply work as hard as we can to make sure our reality lives up to our expectations. That would certainly narrow the gap, right? 

In the context of the holidays, this could mean stressing out about buying that right gift for the right person, saying yes to every party invitation to maximize those social engagements and get that coveted friend-time in, squeezing every last to-do item on your list to ensure that the house smells like freshly-baked holiday cookies and sounds like Michael Bublé’s Christmas album all day, every day.

Trust me, I’ve gone that route before, and while it definitely guarantees that festive holiday cheer will be felt, it also pretty much guarantees you'll run yourself ragged, asking yourself when it will all be over so you can breathe again. Not ideal. 

Instead, let's look to the equation for a different answer. 

Another way to make sure you aren’t disappointed this holiday season is to simply eliminate expectations.

“Eliminating expectations not only frees us from disappointment, it allows us to be delighted at every turn.”

We could release ourselves from the idea of what this time is supposed to include or supposed to feel like or what our responsibility in all of it is. And instead, we could just BE.

We could fit in what we can, what we want to do, and we could let the rest go. We could soften in to the unexpected, unplanned PRESENT moment, and we could let that holiday cheer subtly surround us, softly and slowly.

Your challenge this week is to let go of expectations.

Welcome the holiday in with a care-free heart and see how differently that feels from years past. 

Wishing you a happy, warm and cheerful holiday!

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Is There A Secret To Sustained Motivation?

As we get closer to the end of the year, predictably I want to spend some time getting us all thinking about what our ideal 2016 would look like. 

It’s no secret that I believe whole-heartedly in the power of intention. Which really just boils down to the idea of not living a passive life. Instead, I believe in living an active life, one where you craft your experiences and moments and lifestyle by taking deliberate actions that support your values. One of the biggest mental shifts I’ve made in the past few years is the realization that Life doesn’t just happen to me; I have the power to get out there and happen to Life.

That’s what intentional living is to me, and that’s why I want to chat about starting to set those 2016 intentions now. 

BUT, taking action is hard, isn’t it?

As I mentioned a few weeks back, the two biggest struggles that I hear over and over again from you guys in the community are confidence and motivation. We tackled confidence a few weeks back but now I want to talk a bit about motivation as we inch toward a new year and a blank slate. 

Unfortunately, motivation can be a tricky beast because, like confidence, it’s an intrinsic feeling. Sure, you can get short boosts in motivation from outside sources — coaches, friends, books, etc. — but ultimately sustainable motivation has to come from within. 

Knowing this, I want to share with you one mindset that has helped me find sustainable motivation for several of the intentions I set forth for myself this year. 

And, as an example, let’s talk about this newsletter. 

Once I hit Send, this will be my 96th newsletter in two years. I’ve written every week of the year with the exception of the holidays, and I maintain that it is the single most important engine of growth for Made Vibrant. 

And over the course of the past month or so I’ve had several people asking me about this newsletter. 

How do you find the time to write that much content every week? 

How do you come up with ideas about what to write about? 

How do you grow your list and keep people engaged? 

All great questions with one pretty simple answer: 

This newsletter is my non-negotiable. 

Knowing just how important consistency and authenticity are to the success of a business, I made a decision when I started Made Vibrant that I would have one single tactic that I kept consistent no matter what. 

Why did I decide that? Because I know that will power is the sneaky saboteur of motivation. 

Will power is what ruins our well-laid plans for eating healthier, for exercising more, for making time to create, for doing anything we set out to do. Will power is what we have to engage in order to say “NO, Brain, I’m going to do THIS thing, not that other thing that’s more delicious or more fun or a heckofalot easier.”

Will power is the muscle that we use to make good choices. And for most of us, that muscle is out. of. shape. 

I knew that if I left things up to my will power — if I told myself I wanted to write weekly but that I’d “see how I feel” every Monday morning — that I would easily negotiate my way out of it and come up with a reason not to hit send. 

Instead, though, by telling myself up front that there is NO way out of this agreement I have with myself, that there is no other choice to be made, somehow it allowed me to psychologically outsmart my will power muscle. It’s like my brain said, “Take a seat, Will Power, we’re not going to need you on this one. There’s no decision to be made here.” 

That simple perspective shift allows me to sit down Monday after Monday and write NO MATTER WHAT because my will power isn’t even allowed to have a seat at the table during the conversation. 

“Establishing a non-negotiable ensures that your wobbly will power won’t derail your intentional progress.”

Does that make sense? 

In two years I’ve grown this list from 2 people to 3,300 people and that is only because I’m able to put out consistent, relatable, valuable content. 

Which brings me back to you. 

YOU are at the brink of a bright and shiny new year with wonderful, infinite possibilities. Just think, for you maybe 2016 is: 

The Year Of Financial Freedom

The Year Of Business Growth

The Year Of Creative Exploration

The Year Of Self-Discovery

The Year Of Adventure

The Year Of Healthful Living

The Year Of Emotional Healing

The list goes on…

But right now, today, I want you to do this one thing for me. I want you to choose ONE non-negotiable for 2016.

Decide on one thing that you want to do on a regular basis that could change things in a big way if you stick with it. And then, every day until 2016 begins, I want you to say to yourself, “Sorry Will Power, there is no decision to be made here.” 

(If you want, feel free to tweet at me and let me know what your non-negotiable is!)

The truth is, there is no secret to sustained motivation. There is nothing I can say that will make the road easier for you.

YOU have to decide that what’s on the other side of consistency and discipline and sacrifice is well worth the discomfort of what it takes to get there. 

And as someone who has experienced the immeasurably satisfying benefits of building a community of generous, supportive, soulful creatives (that's YOU!), I can tell you that it is well worth the moments of discomfort I had to push through on those weeks when I didn’t know what to write or I was busy as all get out or I was sick or I was tired. 

These letters are my non-negotiable and I’m immensely grateful for that. 

Thank you so much for reading week after week and for sending these letters along to your friends so they can join us. My life is more rich and delightful because I get to connect with all of you. 

Wishing you all a happy week as we prepare for a new year of possibilities!

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Why It’s Harder For Some People To Successfully Form New Habits

It appears I’m on a kick about habits lately, so I hope you guys are along for the ride because today is yet another post about them!

Last Friday’s post was all about using creative progress maps to help document the formation of new habits.

In the past few months, I’ve written about my perspective on the power of consistency, how to stay accountable to yourself as you build new habits, and how to get back on the horse when you break the chain of consistency.

It’s entirely possible that by now you guys are getting tired of hearing about habits, BUT I continue to write about them because they really have changed my life.

To me, forming new habits is a way of intentionally drawing more of what I value into my daily life.

Whether it’s been intentionally making time for creating art every day, or trying to make my health and fitness a priority, my attempt at successfully integrating new habits has always been about designing a life around my authentic self.

BUT there’s always been one thing that has nagged at me when it comes to habits. Why do certain habits come more easily to me than others? Why are some easy to follow through on and others it feels like an uphill hike on a hot summer day?

For instance, I’ve successfully completely at least six 30-day lettering challenges in the past year and a half, but I’ve fallen off the wagon more than a time or two when it comes to instituting a fitness regimen.

What makes these two tasks different and why is one easier for me to stick to than the other? This is something I've always wondered.

Until yesterday.

Yesterday, I rolled out of bed and decided to go for a morning walk (something I used to do all the time in Florida but haven’t done since we moved to California.) I always use that time to connect with nature and listen to a podcast episode to get my brain warmed up for the day.

As I left my driveway this morning, wouldn’t you know it, the first podcast episode in my queue was one from The Lively Show with guest, Gretchen Rubin, the author of a book that greatly influenced my life a few years ago, The Happiness Project.

I was only a few minutes in and I realized that Gretchen has a new book out, Better Than Before (a fact I somehow missed despite what I’m sure was a boatload of book marketing dollars - sorry publishers! You can’t get me! Muahaha!) Apparently, the entire focus of the book is on mastering habits and how our personalities affect the way we adopt new habits.

What?! The universe is clearly trying to tell me something about habits!

It was fun to hear that apparently I'm not the only one that has had these questions about why habits are easier for some and harder for others - Gretchen researched and wrote an entire book about it!

Anyway, there were a whole slew of topics that Jess and Gretchen covered in the episode, which I won’t ruin for you here, but my big ah-ha takeaway had to do with this Four Tendencies framework that Gretchen discovered/created through her research.

This framework is a way for us to understand how our unique personalities view the idea of forming habits, and what kind of expectations we tend to stay accountable to.

Image via GretchenRubin.com

Here’s a quick run-down on each tendency, as I understood them from Gretchen’s interview:

• Upholder - An Upholder will rise to meet the expectations of others, but also uphold the expectations they have for themselves
• Obliger - An Obliger has no problem rising to meet the expectations of others, but does have a hard time keeping themselves accountable to internal commitments. They’ll put their obligations to others above the promises they make to themselves.
• Questioner - A Questioner has to understand why they’re being asked to meet an expectation, whether internal or external. They’ll question this until they feel it makes sense that they should uphold any kind of expectation.
• Rebel - A Rebel resists both internal and external expectations. They often feel that habits are restrictive and they want maximum freedom in their lives.

As Gretchen went through this list, it became clear to see myself, plus friends and family in relation to this framework.

For example, I’d say for the majority of my life I have been an Obliger. I've always gone above and beyond to meet the expectations of other people, but I've had a hard time doing the same thing for myself.

This is the answer to my question about why I have a much harder time getting myself to work out than I do posting my daily lettering. With the lettering, I have an Instagram community that expects me to post every day; I’ve made that promise public and my Obliger nature uses that external expectation as a means of accountability.

But, going to my work out class five times a week -- that’s just a promise I made to myself. No one is responsible for holding me to it except myself. In the past I would have had trouble placing this as a priority over something with an external expectation.

However, now after years of work, I feel I’m finally getting a lot closer to being an Upholder. I’ve learned to create boundaries and identify my core values, and that inner work has allowed me to give as much weight to my inner expectations as I do to the expectations of others.

For example, my friend Margaret stayed with me this past week and in the past, I likely would have used that as an excuse for myself not to go to my fitness class each day because I wouldn’t have wanted to "disappoint her" by spending a few hours away and leaving her on her own. However, I've now recognized that improving my health and strength is a priority for me -- something I value -- and working out is a habit I want to cultivate, so I voiced this to her and stuck with my workout schedule during her trip. Now that I have a way to acknowledge this, I'm definitely going to work to stay closer to the Upholder end of the spectrum. If I notice myself slipping though, I can always use those external motivators that speak to the Obliger in me to keep me accountable. 

Jason and I decided that he is definitely a Questioner. He cares a lot more about answering to himself than he does to others, but only if he has bought in to WHY he’s doing something. When that’s the case, he has no trouble keeping up with a new habit.

See - it’s fascinating stuff, you guys! And it’s kind of fun once you start to see your tendencies illustrated in different areas of your life.

I’m just such a nerd when it comes to frameworks for understanding human behavior, I can definitely see this chart represented in my own behavior and the behavior of people I know well.

Like I said, there were so many great nuggets of wisdom I took away from the interview -- something I’m hoping to dive into more when I read the book -- but I at least wanted to share the Four Tendencies with you guys because it could be a game-changer for some of you.

If you really want to introduce new, positive changes into your life, the secret is to first understand what your unique tendencies are and then use them to your advantage to help you stick to your program.

Aside from these tiny revelations about habits in general, the biggest takeaway that I got from the interview was this:

If you want to make a lasting change in your habits, knowing your motivations and your values is the best place to start.

Just a little something I wanted to share with you on this Monday morning as you prepare for your week.

So, are there any habits you have struggled to stick with in the past? Could Gretchen’s framework help you understand your own attitude toward habits better? Which tendency do you have?

Let me know in the comments!

Right after I finish The Art of Possibility, I’m definitely going to download Better Than Before and give it a read.

Hope today's post helps you adopt those positive habits! 

Wishing all of you a productive and positive week!

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