The Hidden Key To Cultivating Confidence

We all want more confidence in one way or another.

Whether you want the confidence to make and share your art, to build your business by selling your services or growing an audience, to negotiate for more money, to feel good in your own skin, to speak to a large group of people, or take a big risk… we all have a hunger to feel capable and safe from rejection. That’s what confidence does for you. 

But where does it come from? And how do we get more of it? Well, that’s what I want to explore inside Color Your Soul, but today I want to share one tiny nugget that has helped me approach projects and risks in my own life with a bit more confidence.

Flashback to when I was 22, fresh out of college by just six months, and I was having a serious conversation with my mom. Right after graduation, I’d broken up with my boyfriend of a year to start dating Jason (scandalous, I know), and we had been navigating the fun but uncertain waters of a new relationship while doing the long distance thing -- him back in Jacksonville, and me in Durham, North Carolina.

Things were going well with us but not so great with my new job. In short, I hated it. After just six months at an esteemed advertising agency, I decided I couldn’t stand one more day in a job that didn’t utilize my creativity, and so I quit.

The serious conversation with my mom was about my big decision to quit my job and move back to Jacksonville, to MOVE IN with Jason. I remember the look of fear and worry on my mom’s face for me. Wasn’t this all a bit sudden and was I sure I wanted to do this and what would happen if Jason and I didn’t work out.

There are so many things I was NOT confident about back then but I will never forget the unshakable certainty that I felt about that decision to move back to Jacksonville and start a life with Jason.

I was nervous, but I was confident I was making the right decision. HOW?

So many times I’ve asked myself where that unexpected assurance came from in an attempt to unlock some hidden secret about this mysterious thing called confidence.

Was it because I knew Jason and I would work out? Heck no, I had no idea. Was it because I was too naive to think of all that could go wrong? Maybe, but I’d been in other serious relationships and it’s not like I thought they were always sunshine and rainbows.

Upon looking at it further, I realized that the reason I was so confident about my decision was this:

I knew that if it didn’t work out, it would be painful, but ultimately I’d be okay.

I think this knowing -- this belief that YOU can be your own protector -- is the hidden key to cultivating confidence.

Imagine any big (or little) risk in life as though it were an image of you jumping off a cliff into a beautiful, but shockingly cold, lagoon of water below. That’s what a risk feels like, right -- tempting, but scary because you don’t know what will happen when you hit the water, you don’t know what it will feel like when you take flight off the cliff. That’s when you start to think maybe it would all feel much more comfortable and easy to stay on that ledge forever.

Oftentimes when we think of confidence, we focus on the feeling at the top of the cliff, that moment of courage that we need to work up in order to actually leap. That moment is where confidence ends up, but I don’t think that’s where it comes from.

I think confidence actually lives at the bottom of the cliff in the lagoon.

Confidence resides in the belief that we'll be okay regardless of what is on the other side of uncertainty.

“Confidence resides in the belief that we’ll be okay regardless of what is on the other side of uncertainty.”

It is the voice that tells us that we can take the risk, we can leap off the cliff, because despite not knowing what waits for us below, there is always a safety net. That safety net is YOU.

When I was just starting my design business back in 2014, one thing I struggled with the most was sending out proposals. This is where I basically had to declare what I think I’m worth as a designer. I would write and rewrite the final project estimate 20 different times because I lacked the confidence to tell someone exactly how much I deserved to be paid. I would fixate on that moment when my potential client would open up the email and look at the price tag, and I agonized over what their reaction would be. Would they think I was arrogant and way overpriced? Would they think I was an amateur and way underpriced?

I struggled with this for months until Jason finally gave me some powerful advice: Don’t focus on the moment when they open the proposal; focus on the moment when they email you back with a no.

As you write that final project total on your proposal, he said, ask yourself: If they say no, will I feel good about the value I’ve placed on my work?

What? Seems like strange advice doesn’t it. Focus on the rejection in order to build your confidence?

What it did for me though is it allowed me to confront my fear of rejection head on and confirm that even if that potential client said no, I wouldn’t fall apart. It put me back in control of my own worth.

And THAT is the key.

When you know that you have your own back no matter what, that’s when you can confidently move forward, even if you’re afraid or unsure.

We all have the tools within us to provide this kind of comfort and protection for ourselves. But in order to use those tools, we have to acknowledge our our power.

We have to take back ownership of ourselves from all the places we’ve divvied it out to -- to our families, to our relationships, to our social media followers, to near strangers on the other end of a proposal email. We place the delicate matter of our own self-worth in their hands, which leaves us feeling incapable and vulnerable to feelings of rejection.

But once you finally make that shift and decide you are the ultimate judge of your own worth -- that you have the ultimate say in who you are and who you become -- that’s when you carry the confidence of a person with a built-in superhero at their side.

Confidence isn't just about acting in spite of your fears; it’s trusting you’ll put yourself back together if those fears come true.

Here’s a sketchbook piece I created inside this month’s Confidence issue.

It is my own reminder that I can be my own safety net. I can cultivate enough trust with myself to know that even if I take a risk and it doesn’t work out, I won’t allow a momentary feeling of failure or rejection stop me from moving forward.

My confidence lives in the knowing that I will never abandon myself.

I hope yours does to.

Your challenge this week is to choose one area of your life in which you'd like to feel more confident.

I want you to write down all the fears that affect your confidence in that area. Then I want you to respond to each fear with how your inner self-worth superhero will take care of you if those fears are realized.

I believe that actually confronting your fears head-on and reminding yourself that you will be okay regardless of if those fears come true or not will help you move forward more confidently in reality.

I have so many more thoughts on this topic I want to share with you guys, but I'll leave it at that for now.

Thanks so much for reading! Wishing you an empowered week!

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Why Creating a Shared Vocabulary Is Crucial To Effective Communication

Have you ever found yourself in a situation with another person where you felt completely incapable of communicating? Like nothing you were saying was getting through or being construed in the way you could see it in your head?

I know I have, and the situation that immediately comes to mind for me is my relationship with my partner, Jason.

Now most of you have heard me talk about Jason in these letters before, and rightfully so because he is 100% my other half. For six years now we’ve been living together, working together, co-parenting our fur-child Plaxico together, spending literally 95% off our days together, and it’s led us to develop a deep mutual respect and love for each other. We really are that “best friends” couple cliche.

AND YET, while the rainbows and butterflies of any relationship are nice to talk about, that’s never the full picture, is it (despite what the news feeds of the world might suggest…)?
 

Maintaining a healthy and happy relationship is NOT easy. We’re two separate humans with two separate perspectives (and two separate gender-specific biology) and all of that means we have to work hard to communicate our way through challenges and disagreements so that we emerge stronger and closer together, not weaker and further apart.

Over the years there have been so many hard conversations, one’s where it felt like we were two strangers in a foreign land, speaking separate languages AT one another without a word of understanding between us.

What I’ve learned over time is that in order to remedy this, in order to communicate in a way that will actually move a conversation forward, you have to begin by creating a shared vocabulary.

Let’s take the language most of us probably know if you’re reading this right now: English. The only way that I’m able to share my thoughts with you in an effective way every week and actually get my intention across is because I, the sender of this message, and you, the receiver of this message, agree on the basic definition and meaning of each word (aka the building blocks) of this message. Our shared vocabulary allows us to see this message from a fundamentally similar perspective so we’re able to connect.

But, when this isn’t the case, when two people are trying to communicate without a shared understanding of the building blocks of the message, that’s when the wires get crossed and everything turns to noise. The message can’t connect.

I think this is why a book like The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman has found itself on the bestseller list for YEARS. This book acts like a dictionary of physical and emotional cues between partners that creates that essential shared vocabulary. It gives two people in a relationship a way to define and bring shared meaning to certain behaviors which gives them a way to talk about their needs in a way that BOTH people can understand.

So what about expanding that beyond relationships? What about creating a shared vocabulary between you and your friends, or family members or even customers?

In Brene Brown’s book, Rising Strong, she proposes a simple tip for helping to create that shared vocabulary between two people that leads to understanding. When you find yourself feeling hurt (which we can all agree is the criteria for 99% of disagreements or conflict in relationships) you can say the phrase: “The story I’m telling myself is…” in order to voice those inner stories floating around in your head constructed from that hurt place.

In a conversation with a best friend who hasn’t called you back it might be “The story I’m telling myself is that I’m not important enough to make time for.” That adds honesty and context to the conversation which can open up the lines of communication between you and a friend that may just be going through a particularly tough time and needs space. That simple phrase helps bring shared meaning to the time between phone calls, a signal that could be interpreted way differently by both people trying to communicate.

In the case of Jason and myself, probably the most stark of our differences is the fact that I am an exceptionally sensitive person and he is an exceptionally stoic person. It’s something that brings balance to our partnership, but it also creates difficulties in communicating too. Over time though, we’ve been able to develop a shared understanding around each of our emotional biases to situations. When I feel hurt or down or particularly sensitive, I’m able to let him know it’s not because of something he did; and when he responds to a situation in a way that might feel unemotional, he’s able to let me know it’s actually not because he doesn’t care. This shared vocabulary has allowed us to add texture and awareness to each other’s perspectives so that we can talk through any challenges in a constructive and mature way.

Working through things this way may be harder than just reacting, but every day we inch just a little bit closer to the middle of the emotional spectrum so that we can understand each other better.

It might sound silly, but I believe this simple concept can even help you in business. By clearly defining a few simple ideas for your audience or customers first, you can create a clearer, more powerful line of connection between you. It’s why I always talk about what it means to live a VIBRANT life, or what it’s like to be a soulful creative. This is the shared vocabulary that brings an even richer, more nuanced level of understanding to our conversations.

So, whether it’s your partner, a family member, an employee or coworker, or your customers, if you want to get your message across, communicating with a shared vocabulary is essential in reaching a mutual understanding. 

“Communicating with a shared vocabulary is essential in reaching a mutual understanding. ”

My challenge to you is the next time you find yourself in a conflict, disagreement or a simple misunderstanding with someone, before moving forward ask yourself if you’re operating with a shared vocabulary.

See if you can dig in and first bring awareness to the building blocks of the message you’re trying to send. Are their assumptions at play that need to be verbalized? Are their emotional differences and perspectives that first need to be communicated?

Communicating is most effective when you’re on the same page, and that’s all a shared vocabulary does. I know it’s helped me have more meaningful conversations and interactions in my own life. So while I continue to learn and navigate my own interpersonal relationships, at least I know the ones I am able to cultivate are built on a foundation of effective communication.

Thanks for reading, as always, and check out the latest news and updates on all things Made Vibrant below!

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Re-defining Weakness as Humanness

I hope you had a relaxing and rejuvenating weekend!

For me the weekend was filled with some mixed feelings because, while Jason and I had our awesome friends in town, I was also battling a VERY stubborn cold all weekend.

I found myself bouncing back and forth between feeling joyful, laughing and having a great time with our friends, and then feeling completely crappy with my hacking cough and congestion headaches.

It was a weird battle to fight in my head because I had to find the balance between knowing when I needed to go be by myself and let my body rest and when I needed to kind of suck it up and make sure I didn’t let an awesome weekend with great friends pass me by.

I was in this perpetual state of limbo between feeling weak and feeling strong, which got me thinking a lot about how we perceive those two words in our lives.

As far back as I can remember, there has been a part of me that has felt weak. I’ve always been a highly sensitive person, someone who can’t help but express emotion and vulnerability, and therefore I’ve always been acutely aware of the perception that vulnerability is seen as weakness. I grew up with three older brothers and I remember being made fun of a lot throughout my childhood for crying or for showing I was hurt (which I was… all the time).

And yet, despite my sensitive tendencies, I also knew I had qualities that could be perceived as strength. Qualities like perseverance, work ethic, resilience, and integrity. These are the things I learned from my mom, a woman who definitely embodies this delicate and somewhat paradoxical balance of showing strength and vulnerability at the same time.

When I think back to those childhood moments that formed my definitions of the words “strength” and “weakness,” I realize that I learned (like many of us) that they carried with them very clear positive and negative connotations.

I grew up with the reinforced belief that ultimately strong is good and weak is bad. It appeared to be that simple to me.

Now I’ll ask you to take a second and think about how you define these two words. When you hear the word “weak,” what is your first reaction? Do you think of it as a good thing or a bad thing?

And now think of the last time you felt weak. In that moment, did you feel ashamed of it? Did you carry guilt for not being stronger?

I’m guessing you did.

I think we all have moments of immense strength AND moments of understandable weakness.

BUT, what if we didn’t associate strength and weakness so directly with good and bad. What if we saw them as two sides of a more neutral coin?

For example, when you think about the words hot and cold, you don’t necessarily think of either one being inherently positive or negative. You merely see them as two states on the same spectrum. The situation colors the context for how you experience each one.

In a freezing snowstorm, a cup of hot chocolate could be pretty darn positive. And on a blazing summer day, an ice cold water is what you might be craving. They are two ends of a temperature spectrum that is not implicitly good or bad; it simply IS.

This is how I want to start thinking about strength and weakness.

There are always going to be times in our lives when we feel “weak.” When we feel off our game. Maybe we get sick, or we’re emotionally drained from an unexpected loss or we’re exhausted and overwhelmed. And in those moments, our initial response can be to beat ourselves up. To feel ashamed for showing a chink in our armor.

But what if instead of looking at weakness as something negative to get OVER we looked at weakness as something inevitable to move THROUGH. Something that actually represented the wholeness of the human experience.

I recently read a quote on BrainPickings from the amazing and insightful David Whyte, who talks about vulnerability (ie. weakness) in these terms:

"The only choice we have as we mature is how we inhabit our vulnerability, how we become larger and more courageous and more compassionate through our intimacy with disappearance, our choice is to inhabit vulnerability as generous citizens of loss, robustly and fully, or conversely, as misers and complainers, reluctant and fearful, always at the gates of existence, but never bravely and completely attempting to enter, never wanting to risk ourselves, never walking fully through the door."

Heavy and dense, but beautiful words to be sure. Feel free to read that paragraph over until it really sinks into your bones.

I think what Whyte is saying there is that, in a way, to fully accept and inhabit weakness is also to fully accept and inhabit HUMANNESS. To be weak is, by definition, to be fully alive.

“To fully accept and inhabit weakness is also to fully accept and inhabit HUMANNESS.”

And so, as I mentioned above, we shouldn’t avoid our weakness or feel shame because of it or look at it as a negative thing to try and snuff out; we should acknowledge that it is a state of being just as strength is a state of being — just as hot and cold are two states of the same whole.

So my challenge to you this week is to try redefining weakness.

Think back to the last time you felt ashamed for feeling weak. Whether it was during that workout when you couldn’t muster one more push-up, or when you broke down from the loss of a loved one, or when you spiraled out from the weight of too much stress.

Now I want you to consider how that situation would have felt differently if you recognized your weakness as a temporary state of being instead of a self-defeating, self-defining quality.

None of us is only weak or only strong. We are BOTH. To experience vulnerability or what we think of as weakness is to experience what it means to be human, and so we should never feel shame for that.

I hope that this new frame of reference helps some of you let go of this negatively perceived label you may have applied to yourself in the past.

I may feel weak in this moment because my body is temporarily ailing, but I won’t let it color the way I see myself as a whole. And neither should you.

Now let’s get out there and show this show our whole humanness to the world this week, okay? Okay!

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Are Your What Ifs Helping You Or Hurting You?

Good afternoon, friends!

I’m coming to you a little later today because Jason and I spent the morning driving around San Luis Obispo looking for houses to rent…

Wait, what?! I thought you loved San Diego, Caroline! Didn’t you guys JUST move?

Thank you, rhetorical email person, and you are correct. We do love San Diego and we did only move about 10 short months ago! BUT our one-year San Diego lease is ending in March and over the holidays, Jason and I found ourselves wondering what it would be like to move again to a completely new city. To experience the magic and adventure of moving to California all over again. And to challenge ourselves with new people, new places and a new environment.

That’s why we decided to take the current week-long trip to visit three areas up the California coast and see how we like them: San Clemente/Dana Point; Santa Barbara; and San Luis Obispo.

Each of these spots has its own charms and its own quirks, and it’s been a short-but-incredible trip for the simple fact that it has forced us to see the world through a lens of possibility.

Every Airbnb we’ve stayed in, every restaurant we’ve eaten at, every quaint downtown we’ve traversed, every stranger we’ve met, every coffee shop we’ve enjoyed…. we’ve had to ask: Could we see ourselves here? What would this look like for us?

What if we found a place at the foot of those mountains? What if we came to this coffee shop every Monday morning to work? What if I hosted art workshops at that cool studio space? What if we took Plaxico for his daily walk with this gorgeous view of the ocean?

What if.

I find myself saying this phrase over and over in my head. It’s so fun to see a blank canvas before us because it feels like the possibilities are endless.

But, believe me, I haven’t always been this comfortable with the notion of an uncertain future.

In fact, I used to be terrified by it.

We’re conditioned from the time we’re young to think sequentially. When we finish 8th grade, we know 9th grade’s ahead. When we finish college, we know we’re expected to get a job. When we get a job, we’re supposed to aim for the promotion.

There is comfort to be found in the predictability of this sequence.

So back in 2014, when I started Made Vibrant and suddenly there was no sequence, it honestly freaked me out. A whole different slew of What Ifs ran through my head…

What if I don’t make any money and the business fails?

What if I’m not cut out for this entrepreneur thing?

What if nobody gets what I’m trying to do and I feel completely embarrassed?

These other What Ifs were a manifestation of my fear of the unknown, and I would spend hours just diving deeper and deeper into them.

That was until I stopped worrying and I started doing. I walked into the unknown in spite of my fear and I found out if my fearful What Ifs were grounded in truth. (Spoiler alert: most of them were not.) The further I waded into uncertainty, the more I actually learned to enjoy it.

The thing is, our relationship to the unknown is all a matter of perspective.

We get to choose whether WHAT IF is a question of possibility or of fear.

“We get to choose whether WHAT IF is a question of possibility or of fear.”

There are constructive What Ifs and there are destructive What Ifs. One breeds possibility and one breeds worry. One chooses to err on the side of hope, one chooses to err on the side of disaster.

And my question to you this week is: Which kind of What Ifs do you entertain more?

The worrisome kind or the possibility kind?

I have absolutely NO idea where I will be living in two months time. I don’t know what my routine will look like or what my favorite hangout will be or how I’ll feel. But this no longer scares me; instead it excites me.

I know not all of us will choose to move to a new place each year. But my hope is that this letter will help you stay open to opportunities you might have otherwise been too afraid to attempt.

I can’t wait to take you guys along for the ride and share with you our experiences wherever we end up!

And I’ll end it this week with one of my favorite quotes from the young writer Erin Hanson:

“ ‘What if I fall?’ ‘Oh, but my darling what if you fly?’ “

Have a great week!

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Eliminating Expectations

Every year when the holidays roll around, I find that there are inevitably so many opportunities to put high expectations on everything (and everyone.)

Expectations for what this season should feel like. Expectations of what the weather should be (not 80 degrees on Christmas Day, thank you, Florida). Of how and where we want our families to get together. Expectations for what gifts we’ll receive. Expectations for how someone should react to the gifts we give them. Expectations of people we need to see and the holiday parties we should be attending and the traditions we should be keeping up with. 

And, given all of these expectations, there have been years in the past when I’ve found myself at the end of this holiday time period a bit… well... disappointed. Like I wanted it to feel so magical and warm and merry, but all I ended up feeling was stretched too thin with not enough time — like the whole thing whizzed by me and then it was gone. 

Have you ever felt this way? Like you had an idea of what you wanted from the holiday season but then when it finally came it somehow came up short? 

That’s not what I want for us! 

I want you and me both to soak up every moment of these final two weeks of the year. I want it to be a time of comfort and rest and peace, not one of stress and potential disappointment. 

So, to help achieve that, I thought I’d share with you a very simple idea that I learned about years ago which has framed the way I look at expectations (and protected me from disappointment in MANY different situations) ever since. 

I call it the Math of Disappointment and it’s this simple “equation”: 

Expectations - Reality = Disappointment

Take that in for a second. If you were to read this equation in plain English, you could say “Disappointment is the difference between expectations and reality.” 

When our expectations are so high that reality fails to meet them, that's when we find ourselves disappointed.

It’s a simple but powerful relationship to acknowledge. 

With that logic, one way of course to decrease our disappointment in this equation would be to simply work as hard as we can to make sure our reality lives up to our expectations. That would certainly narrow the gap, right? 

In the context of the holidays, this could mean stressing out about buying that right gift for the right person, saying yes to every party invitation to maximize those social engagements and get that coveted friend-time in, squeezing every last to-do item on your list to ensure that the house smells like freshly-baked holiday cookies and sounds like Michael Bublé’s Christmas album all day, every day.

Trust me, I’ve gone that route before, and while it definitely guarantees that festive holiday cheer will be felt, it also pretty much guarantees you'll run yourself ragged, asking yourself when it will all be over so you can breathe again. Not ideal. 

Instead, let's look to the equation for a different answer. 

Another way to make sure you aren’t disappointed this holiday season is to simply eliminate expectations.

“Eliminating expectations not only frees us from disappointment, it allows us to be delighted at every turn.”

We could release ourselves from the idea of what this time is supposed to include or supposed to feel like or what our responsibility in all of it is. And instead, we could just BE.

We could fit in what we can, what we want to do, and we could let the rest go. We could soften in to the unexpected, unplanned PRESENT moment, and we could let that holiday cheer subtly surround us, softly and slowly.

Your challenge this week is to let go of expectations.

Welcome the holiday in with a care-free heart and see how differently that feels from years past. 

Wishing you a happy, warm and cheerful holiday!

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Confidence And Learning To Trust Yourself

Happy Monday from the road, dear friends!

Over the course of the past week, Jason and I have played on the sand dunes in California; stopped in Sedona at our favorite inn, El Portal; traveled to Taos, New Mexico where we stayed for two days in something called an Earthship; cozied up to Waco, Texas to stay in one cool #FixerUpper; and passed through Lafayette, LA where I now find myself on the road somewhere near New Orleans. Phew, I’m exhausted just typing that! 

The adventure has included many, many miles of podcast episodes, road trip beef jerky, my poor attempt at navigation, and, thankfully, a few surprisingly weak moments on Jason’s part when he agreed to let me listen to Christmas music (GASP! - Pentatonix Deluxe Christmas album anyone? Big fan right here.) 

As I type this now we are heading to our last stop — Seaside, FL — before arriving in Jacksonville on Wednesday just in time for Thanksgiving. Woohoo! 

Road trips are my very favorite for SO many reasons, but this trip actually has very little to do with what I want to talk about this week. 

This week I want to talk about something interesting that popped up following last week’s letter on “actionizing.” Some of you might remember that at the bottom of the newsletter I asked you to email me with anything that you might need right now -- something I could help with as a small act of sending love out into the world.  

Well, about 40 of you wrote in (thank you for that, by the way!) and I did my best to make time to write back to each one in between road trip activities. What astounded me about your replies though was the fact that the majority of you said that you needed more of the very SAME two things: confidence and motivation. 

Over and over the responses came in with those two words calling out to me. So, I’m taking the hint here and this week I want to tackle one of those (one that I especially struggled with in my first year of business), and that’s confidence. 

The problem with this, though, is that confidence is not a simple problem with a simple solution. 

How does one encourage another to have confidence? How can I give someone something that so clearly has to come from within? 

But that’s when I thought to myself: I may not be able to GIVE someone confidence, but maybe I can help someone see their own confidence in a new light. Maybe I can uncover a new way of looking at confidence, a new angle that might allow some of you out there to finally have that light bulb moment that could make all the difference. 

So I asked myself: What exactly is confidence? Where does it come from? How do we relate to it? 

I thought about all the times I have to call upon my confidence: 

• When I stand on a stage and deliver a speech. 
• When I speak up and share my opinion at a dinner party. 
• Every time I share a piece of my art on social media or hit send on an email to you guys. 
• When I walk into a room full of strangers and have to introduce myself. 

Each one of these moments requires confidence. And when I broke each of these situations down further, I realized that in each of those moments, the thing that allows me to walk confidently or speak confidently or share confidently is that I have built up trust with myself.

“Confidence is really about being able to TRUST yourself.”

• Do I trust that I’ll be able to deliver the speech without blanking? 
• Do I trust that my opinions are well thought-out and sincere when I speak up? 
• Do I trust that I believe in my artistic talents enough that even if no one likes my photo or shares my email, I won’t stop creating?
• Do I trust that even if I introduce myself to a stranger and they have no interest in what I do or say that it won’t affect my self-image? 

The trust you have with yourself is what your confidence rests on. 

And so that’s when I started wondering, well if confidence rests on trust, how do we build trust with ourselves? Because if we can understand how to build trust, then maybe we can better understand how to boost our confidence too. 

Thankfully I remembered this fascinating talk by Brené Brown called "The Anatomy of Trust" that I might have shared with you guys a few weeks back. 

In it, Brené talks about the fact that the research shows that “trust is built in very small moments” — these tiny opportunities in which people choose to show us they’re worthy of our trust. 

She compares trust to a marble jar, where others can do small things to demonstrate they’re trust-worthy and each time they do we add a mental marble to their jar. Only when the marble jar is full do we feel we can trust someone. 

In other words, trust is earned.

People have to show us that they’re deserving of our trust because that’s how we feel safe and protected from betrayal.

Brené goes on to break down the “anatomy of trust” into its parts, which can be remembered using the acronym B.R.A.V.I.N.G.: Boundaries, Reliability, Accountability, Vault, Integrity, Non-judgment, and Generosity. (I recommend giving the talk a watch now if you want to better understand what each of the elements of trust pertains to. It’s a great talk!)

But the reason I want to share all of this with you is because while Brené's talk is in the context of trusting other people, I was struck by how transferable all her points were to the practice of learning to trust ourselves. 

Just like trust, confidence is built in a series of small moments. 

We have to demonstrate to ourselves that we are deserving of trust, and thus, that our confidence is not misplaced. 

How do we do that? The same way we would show others we’re trustworthy. Through B.R.A.V.I.N.G. 

• By protecting the boundaries we create for ourselves. (Saying NO when we need to, protecting the time we set aside for ourselves, etc.)
• By proving to ourselves we’re reliable. (Keeping the promises we make to ourselves, not just once but over and over.)
• By showing accountability when we’ve come up short. (Acknowledging our short-comings, apologizing and moving on.) 
• By being a vault for ourselves. (Not disseminating hurtful words and thoughts to others about ourselves, keeping what’s sacred to us sacred.)
• By showing integrity. (Practicing our values in tough situations rather than just professing them.) 
• By showing compassion for ourselves and non-judgment in our moments of needing help. (Eliminating negative self-talk when we feel at our weakest.)
• By assuming the most generous thing about our own intentions and behavior, (Choosing to see the best in ourselves.)

That last one in particular really stuck with me as the crux of this trust/confidence business: generosity. 

Are you generous in your assumptions with yourself?

In other words, do you see the best in yourself? Do you give yourself the benefit of the doubt? If not, I’m betting you find it hard to trust yourself, and if that’s the case, you probably also find it hard to muster confidence at times. 

So often we think of confidence as something that is dependent upon the behavior of other people. That our ability to approach a situation confidently relies on whether or not other people will accept us or reject us. But if we continue to think of it that way, we’re giving up our power to build our confidence and improve it over time. 

Instead, we have to think about confidence as an inside job. We have to think of our actions as marbles in the jar of trust we have with ourselves. If we can build up enough trust to KNOW that the actions or responses of other people won’t prevent us from continuing to go after our dreams, then our inner selves will feel safe enough to create confidently. To share confidently. To speak confidently. 

So, this week, I challenge you to take a hard look at where your confidence is right now.

Do you have trouble trusting yourself? If so, try to pin point why that is using Brené’s BRAVING model above. Is it because you break your promises to yourself? Because you’re afraid you’ll judge yourself if you put yourself out there? Is it because you have trouble living your values in moments that are challenging? 

Whatever it is, I want you to identify it and decide one way you can start building more trust within yourself. Maybe it’s a commitment to talk more kindly to yourself or to make it your mission to follow through on your next promise no matter what. 

Whatever you choose, remember ultimately that confidence has to come from within you.

You have to fill up your own marble jar with enough tiny moments to know that when you encounter a situation that requires you to be confident, that you have your own back. 

Hope that gives you something to chew on this week!

Wishing you a happy holiday filled with food, family and gratitude! 

---

Seeing Beyond Boundaries And Experiencing The Unimaginable

Today’s letter is possibly one of my favorite kinds of these weekly missives.

It’s one of those days where I get to share with you some hard decisions I’ve had to make recently, but I get to come out the other side of it with a new perspective on my life and share that shift with all of you.

These are truly the moments I love the most because I get to show you through my own experiences that while authentic living isn’t always the easiest or the most obvious choice, it is the thing that often leads us to a freer, more enlightened way of being. 

So, the plan is to dive way into ALLLL of that this week. But first, a little bit of background…

Last Thursday night, as I sat in front of my computer, eyes bleary from editing yet another course video, nerves pushed to the max preparing to launch Your First E-Course the following morning, Jason approached my desk. 

Wondering how and when I was going to finish putting all the pieces in place to make the course launch happen, I could feel myself almost vibrating with anxiety, knowing that each passing minute was one that I couldn’t afford to waste. In response to this heightened sense of tension, I could tell Jason’s stress levels were elevated too, and it was clear in his approach that he was unsure of how to negotiate with me for fear of detonating the bomb. 

Calmly he looked into my sleep-deprived eyes and asked, "Do you really think you can get it all done by tomorrow? Why don't you just push the launch until next week."  

At first, I’ll be honest, I was ANGRY. I had already used every last drop of my willpower to convince myself that hitting my deadline was still possible, and what I needed was someone to have my back on that, not question my decision. I remember thinking to myself: Pushing the launch is impossible.

I’ve already pushed it by a day, people are expecting it, I don’t want to let anyone down, I don’t want to break the trust I’ve built with my community, I want to prove to myself I can stick to a deadline… the thoughts raced on, each one with more conviction than the last zipping through my head.

In my mind, pushing the deadline was simply not. an. option. 

Then, as my defensiveness slowly subsided, I was able to step outside of myself to take a look at what was happening. I was exhausted. The house was a mess. And I was snapping at my partner, the one person that I love and trust and admire more than anyone else. What was I giving up in order to make this launch happen?

That realization was just enough for me to take a moment and, instead of immediately dismissing the pushing of the launch as a non-option, allow my imagination to play out the scenario.

What if I did? Realistically what really would happen? When I gave myself permission to go down that road, it became clear to me that the world would in fact NOT end if I took a few more days to make this course what I knew it could be. People would survive. All of you would not desert me. And I could use it as an opportunity to practice a little more self-kindness — forgiving myself for failing to meet an arbitrary deadline of my own creation.

Turns out that decision was a good one because not only did I get some much needed rest (allowing Jason and everyone else around me to stop walking on eggshells) but the course that will finally be launched tomorrow is heaps better than it would have been had I tried to force it. 

Choosing that, though, required entertaining a solution that I was hellbent on avoiding. It required investigating my own hesitations and beliefs in order to see that an “I couldn’t possibly…” was actually a “I’m really scared to…”

And so it got me thinking about other areas of my life where the thing that I need most might be hiding from my vision as a non-option.

Wondering about all of this, I took a break from the course to work on some new art backgrounds for lettering pieces Saturday night. For whatever reason, during this session I was feeling particularly free — smearing oil pastels on top of acrylic paint, swiping my palette knives in patterns I had never dreamt up, combining colors that felt unexpected and surprising.

And that’s when this tiny whisper of a thought came to me: I wish I could do nothing but paint for a whole month. 

The thought seemed so silly, so idealistic that I dismissed it just as soon as it popped into my head. 

Then, thankfully, (taking note from my previous experience) I probed myself further on the topic. 

Why couldn’t I do that? What was holding me back? I’m my own boss, aren’t I? My business has done well enough this year that I’m not in danger of not paying the bills, so what’s stopping me back from taking a month “off” just to create? Once I really started to allow myself to go down the path of this hidden possibility — taking the month of December off just to paint — I realized it wasn’t quite so fantastical after all. 

Jason and I are already driving back to Jacksonville, FL to stay there from Thanksgiving to Christmas. I could rent a small studio space or set up a room to myself wherever we’re staying. I could wake up in the morning and let inspiration guide me. I could explore new mediums and processes and really allow my creativity the space it needs to roam. Instead of spending that time racing to get Color Your Soul ready for you all by the first of the year, all the while juggling family and holidays and working remotely, I could rewrite that plan and instead spend the time actually synthesizing my inspiration into a better version of Color Your Soul, despite pushing it back a bit further into the first part of the year.

I considered the things that were holding me back from making that happen: deadlines I had pulled out of thin air. Promises I had made to myself. Arbitrary dates and manufactured pressure. 

Once I realized those things were really just constraints of the imagination and restrictions built of fear, my mind started to buy in to the fact that I didn’t have to play by those rules. 

Oftentimes we see our options laid out for us as though we were on one of those old game shows. We ask ourselves whether we want to choose the path behind Door #1 or Door #2 or Door #3.

What I’ve learned this week is that there is always a Door #4.

We may not see it because we’re too afraid of what will happen if we choose it, or we simply may not be looking hard enough for it, but it’s always there. 

And this time I’ve decided to choose Door #4. 

For the entire month of December, I’ll be going on a “creative hiatus.” My sole focus during that month won’t be business growth or 2016 planning; instead it will be unbridled curiosity and creativity. My job will be to create as freely and wildly as I can muster so that you all and this community can benefit from the discoveries of that treasure hunt when I resurface. 

That means instead of rushing to launch Color Your Soul in December/January, I’ll push things back by two months so that I can truly do this idea justice. Just as a musician takes time off between albums to live and create an experience things so it can show up in their work, I too want to use the rest of this year to create rather than to keep up. 

That’s a path I might not have considered if it weren’t for questioning my own self-imposed boundaries. 

How many times in our lives have opportunities been present that we just weren't willing to SEE?

That’s what I hope you’ll take from these stories. 

So this week I challenge you to first fill in this blank:

"I couldn’t possibly ______________ ." 

Now I want you to investigate that perception. What if you could possibly? What would that look like? 

Let your imagination run wild. Break through your own boundaries. And challenge yourself to see the unseeable. To consider the unconsidered. 

“Because those that can learn to see beyond boundaries are the ones that get to experience the unimaginable.”

Hoping that you all will forgive me for pushing the course until tomorrow (though I promise you the content will be well worth it!), and I hope to bring you fascinating field notes from my December creative hiatus, the discoveries of which I promise will show up in Color Your Soul in a big way come February. 

Remember, friends, you get to make up the rules to your own life. Now get out there and start living out of bounds. 

Wishing you a great week!

---

Defending The Essential

Boy oh boy has it been a whirlwind of a few weeks for me! 

My world, my routines, my comfort — they’ve all been turned upside down by trips to South Dakota then Mexico then Palm Springs. My introverted ways have definitely been tested from moments of speaking to crowds and navigating group vacations and giving my all to days and days of conversation. 

Don’t get me wrong, while this stretch has brought me immense joy with its gorgeous views, lasting memories and deepening friendships, if I’m being honest, coming out the other side feels a bit like I've been tossed around in a washing machine with no clue as to which way is up. 

At first glance it's hard to know how I got so "over-booked" in the first place, but upon further inspection, it's actually no wonder at all.  

As humans, our instinct is to think we can do it all.

Of course I want to speak at TEDx! Of course I want to go on a Mexican vacation! OF COURSE I want to have a fun girls trip with my best friends in the world! 

But all at once? Back to back? My current state is teaching me... maybe not so much. 

Which leads me to this week's topic: essentialism. 

To be more accurate, that's Essentialism with a capital E, because when I returned from my trip on Friday, as a part of my I'm-an-introvert-and-need-alone-time recuperation regiment, I started reading the book Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown.

The guiding principle of the book can be boiled down to this one phrase: less but better. It's the acknowledgement that eliminating non-essentials and focusing on a few key things will allow us to more effectively allocate our limited resources (time, money, energy, thought, etc.) to the things that matter most. 

I'm just a few chapters in and already it's proving to be a powerful reminder for me of how defining the essential can be applied to all sorts of things: my work productivity, my business strategy, my wardrobe, my relationships, my daily routine... the list goes on. 

The timing of the book felt especially poignant for me (coming off my "I can do it all" travel-palooza) when I read this:

“But when we try to do it all and have it all, we find ourselves making trade-offs at the margins that we would never take on as our intentional strategy. When we don’t purposefully and deliberately choose where to focus our energies and time, other people — our bosses, our colleagues, our clients, and even our families — will choose for us, and before long we’ll have lost sight of everything that is meaningful and important. We can either make our choices deliberately or allow other people’s agendas to control our lives.”

— Greg McKeown, Essentialism

The thing that stood out to me there was the part about trade-offs. By assuming I could cram all of this travel into my schedule, there are things I had to sacrifice that I would never normally intentionally sacrifice. Things like my daily art practice, keeping up with this community, healthier habits, enough sleep, etc. 

By sitting down and really defining what is essential -- what we value MOST in our lives (ie. not a list of 40 things) -- we are better equipped to take control over those trade-offs. 

The lesson I learned these past few weeks was that as much as I think I know what my values are, I need to do a better job of defining them and, more importantly, protecting them. I need to take a hard look at what is absolutely essential in my own life so that I can decide what trade-offs I'm willing to make, rather than let other people choose for me. (For the record, let me be clear that no one forced me to go on these trips, nor did I NOT want to go. That's the whole point, I wanted so badly to do everything that I avoided making a hard decision that could have spared me from sacrificing some of my essentials.)

Before I wrap up, I want to share with you a timely example of someone I admire immensely defining their "essential" and defending it courageously.

Last night, I had the pleasure of seeing Elizabeth Gilbert on her Big Magic book tour. She was magnificent and wise and as delightful as I’d always imagined. (Side note: as I was writing this newsletter, she actually regrammed my lettering piece of one of my favorite quotes in her book and I pretty much died -- in the best way possible of course!)

At the end of the evening though last night, right before you might expect her to announce where you could line up to have her sign a copy of her book, with a heavy heart she sincerely explained why she had made the decision NOT to do a book signing line on this tour. She very clearly and authentically expressed that she knew the limitations of her body and her health, and after doing several previous book tours, she knew that she wouldn't last through the middle of December across multiple continents if every night she greeted hundreds individually. Her body (or energy reserves) just wouldn't allow it.

She apologized, of course, and while for a moment I was disappointed that I wouldn’t get to give her the giant bear hug I'd planned, that moment of disappointment quickly turned into immense respect and gratitude.

She was showing us (showing me) what an intentional trade-off looks like up close. She was showing me what it looks like to make hard decisions in defense of your values. Staying energized to the max so that she can give every audience her best self requires saying NO to hours of hugs and book signings and convos with audience members, and that's a trade-off that, while difficult, was worth it. It required delivering momentary disappointment in exchange for her essential -- staying healthy and being the best version of herself for the duration of the tour.

What a gift, I thought.

After explaining all of this, she ended by reciting this poem by Louise Erdrich, throughout the entirety of which I could not wipe the huge grin off my face because it could not have been more fitting for this idea of trade-offs and defining what is essential to us.

Here’s the poem: 

"Advice to Myself" by Louise Erdrich

Leave the dishes.
Let the celery rot in the bottom drawer of the refrigerator
and an earthen scum harden on the kitchen floor.
Leave the black crumbs in the bottom of the toaster.
Throw the cracked bowl out and don't patch the cup.
Don't patch anything. Don't mend. Buy safety pins.
Don't even sew on a button.
Let the wind have its way, then the earth
that invades as dust and then the dead
foaming up in gray rolls underneath the couch.
Talk to them. Tell them they are welcome.
Don't keep all the pieces of the puzzles
or the doll's tiny shoes in pairs, don't worry
who uses whose toothbrush or if anything
matches, at all.
Except one word to another. Or a thought.
Pursue the authentic - decide first
what is authentic,
then go after it with all your heart.
Your heart, that place
you don't even think of cleaning out.
That closet stuffed with savage mementos.
Don't sort the paper clips from screws from saved baby teeth
or worry if we're all eating cereal for dinner again. Don't answer
the telephone, ever,
or weep over anything at all that breaks.
Pink molds will grow within those sealed cartons
in the refrigerator. Accept new forms of life
and talk to the dead
who drift in through the screened windows, who collect
patiently on the tops of food jars and books.
Recycle the mail, don't read it, don't read anything
except what destroys
the insulation between yourself and your experience
or what pulls down or what strikes at or what shatters
this ruse you call necessity.

Ahhh, yes. "This ruse you call necessity."

I adore this poem. I adore it because it is a poignant and (to me) hilarious reminder of the trade-offs we must make in life in order to protect our TRUE necessities, our essential. The things that make us come alive. The things that "destroy the insulation" between ourselves and our experiences. That magical transcendence of living in alignment with our true selves. 

So my challenge to you this week is to first define your essential.

What are the things you're simply not willing to sacrifice as a trade-off? Is it your health? The pursuit of your creativity? Is it that hour of silence you require in the morning to start your day right? Is it doing work that gives you that fiery stir in the pit of your stomach? 

Whatever it is, write it down. Once you do that, I'd also encourage you to write down some of the trade-offs you might have to make in order to DEFEND those things. 

“It’s not enough to define what’s essential to us; we must also DEFEND what is essential to us.”

Get really honest with yourself and write down some hard ones. It might be saying no to the book club you love so you can spend that hour each week writing the first draft of your own book. It might be shelving that business idea for now so that you can be all in with your kids when they get home from school. Whatever those values are, it's important to prepare yourself for those challenging moments when you might have to protect them. 

Looking back, I wish I had a better sense of my own essentials so that I had the courage to raise my hand and say "I can't travel on those dates" because even though I loved each of those trips and enjoyed them, I'd be lying to myself if I said I brought my best self to each experience, and that's not fair to me or anyone else. 

Anyway, happy to be re-connecting with you guys and thanks for your patience in the Slack channel and on email lately -- I appreciate it. 

Wishing you a week of less, but better!

---

The Residue of Contentment + Sinking Into Joy

As I type away to you this afternoon, I’m standing at the edge of a gorgeous, glossy infinity pool staring out over a powdery blue horizon.

I can see mountains in the distance wrapping around the ocean’s edge in delicate transparencies like a layered watercolor painting. I can see the occasional jubilant kayaker or boater dancing across the water below. It’s a magical view to take in, and it leaves me feeling happy, content, and whole. 

For a moment. 

THEN, on the tail end of that moment comes a different feeling. It’s not as strong as the joy, but it’s there nonetheless, like a faint residue that follows my contentment. 

One moment I’m taking in the beauty and the joy of that moment — I’m thinking to myself, “Can it get any better than this?” — and the next I can’t help but feel a slight pang of guilt. Guilt about being away from my business and the responsibility I feel to the Made Vibrant community. Guilt over spending my morning blissfully floating in an infinity pool and my lunch hour laughing in the warm, delightfully salty sea. As weird as this sounds: guilt over being this happy. 

It’s not an overwhelming feeling or a gray cloud that hangs over the whole experience; it’s just a subtle sidekick to satisfaction that whispers softly to me in moments of joy. 

It whispers thing like:

>> Do I even deserve this? 

>> Now what? What’s the next milestone to achieve? Shouldn’t I be working toward that?

>> This feels weird. I’m not used to THIS kind of happy. 

This week, I want to dive deeper into this idea of satisfaction. I want to better understand my own contentment, the residual guilt it can bring, and I want us all to bring more intention to how we experience contentment in our lives so that we can more fully enjoy these magical moments when they unfold. 

First, let’s start by laying the groundwork: Is contentment even important?

I mean, isn’t the goal of living a vibrant life predicated on the idea that we’re always striving to be better, to grow and expand our minds, to live more authentically? Doesn’t the idea of being satisfied conflict with the idea of becoming better?

The simple-yet-confusing answer is yes — I think there will always be tension between the desire for contentment and the desire for growth. I will always want to be better and do better; it’s a part of my striver DNA. BUT I also know that contentment will always be an inextricable part of joy and happiness. 

In fact, the very definition of joy acknowledges a lack of wanting more. (Joy is defined as “the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying;”) Part of experiencing pure joy is experiencing contentment — this feeling of not needing anything more than what you have in that moment. 

The happiest times I can remember in my life were the moments where I felt a completion in my life, a wholeness, a “lack of lacking”, if you will. 

And so I’m starting to realize that a happy life for me is one where I’m balancing my moments of growth with moments of untainted contentment. 

I know we’re not all off on Mexican vacations all the time, but at some point (I hope) we all experience some moments of happiness, joy and accomplishment. We get the promotion, the launch goes well, the day is delightful, the family is healthy, or we get the project we’ve been working so hard for. 

My question this week is: how do we learn to savor those moments unapologetically? How do we stretch out the positive effects of those feelings beyond just a moment and avoid the residue of contentment? 

To answer that, it might help to understand what prevents us from sinking more deeply into contentment. Here are just two that come to mind for me:

DISCOMFORT

Let’s be honest, most of us are probably not used to getting what we want all the time. We’re used to “the hustle,” right? We’re used to striving, to struggling a bit, to working towards our goals. So when we arrive at a moment that feels less like a climb and more like a destination, it feels a bit uncomfortable simply because it’s uncharted territory. If I know anything about humans, it’s that we’re wired to avoid discomfort. That’s why I think in moments of satisfaction or accomplishment or true joy, it’s our human instinct to say “Whoa, this feels weird. I better get busy working on the next thing because that’s what I’m used to.”

GUILT

This is the one I mentioned before and it’s a doozie for me. I grew up in a family where work ethic was instilled in us from a young age. If you want good things to happen, you have to work hard. (And certainly that’s true.) However, when you come to place such a high value on hard work, inadvertently I think you become suspicious of ease. You begin to feel like you should always be working. You should always be striving. That means taking time to lean into that ease or satisfaction feels like the wrong thing, something that others might judge you for. 

As I type out these two "contentment blocks," one thing immediately stands out to me: they’re both different forms of fear. 

Researcher and author, Dr. Brené Brown, says joy and fear are often two sides of the same coin (an observation that has always stuck with me.) To experience joy is also in turn to fear that it will be taken away.

So, what’s the solution then? How do we overcome the residual discomfort and guilt that often accompanies moments of joy and satisfaction?

(And… to bring it back around… how can I make sure that when I look out across the expansive horizon of this gorgeous place that I allow myself to be fully present with my contentment?)

From everything I’ve experienced or read, I think we do it by cultivating a practice of gratitude and self-worth.

GRATITUDE

Again, going back to the work of Brené Brown, in a blog post titled “What I’ve learned about gratitude and fear” Brené writes: 

“We can spend our entire lives in scarcity . . . just waiting for for the other shoe to drop and wondering when it will all fall apart. Or, we can lean into the uncertainty and be thankful for what we have in that precious moment. When I’m standing at the crossroads of fear and gratitude, I’ve learned that I must choose vulnerability and practice gratitude if want to know joy.”

Gratitude is how we sink into joy.

Rather than letting the whispers of guilt or discomfort or fear steal the moment from us, we acknowledge our own contentment. We say to ourselves, “This moment feels whole, this experience feels good, and I’m grateful for it.” On top of that, I also think it’s important that we write those feelings down. The longer we can make them last, the more we can return to them on a regular basis and the less foreign they will feel when they arise. 

SELF-WORTH

Beyond voicing our gratitude in moments of contentment, we also need to find a way to battle the feeling that we don’t deserve to feel so happy. We do! We are all inherently worthy of love and worthy of happiness. I don’t think we’re on this planet to suffer; we’re here to find joy and laughter and beauty. So, we have to find ways to remind ourselves on a regular basis that it’s okay to feel those things. In many ways, it’s the whole point. From today on, I’m giving myself permission to also write down why I deserve good things to happen to me, and I hope you’ll consider doing the same thing. It may feel strange and uncomfortable at first, but I think changing some of those recurring messages we tell ourselves about our worth is critical to increasing our tolerance for contentment. 

—

So, this week I challenge you to not only identify your moments of contentment, but to sink into them by practicing gratitude and self-worth. 

Take a moment to write down those moments, to be grateful for them, and to remind yourself why you’re deserving of good things. 

And, to those of you who may still be in those seasons of struggle, those times when contentment or joy feel less abundant, keep pressing on and keep your eyes open. I think this topic is equally important for you so that when those valleys pass and the peaks emerge again, you’ll be ready to cherish and appreciate them even more. 

Wishing you all a magical and content week!

---

The Flip Side To Flaws

Guys, last week I was in. a. funk. 

Do you know the feeling I’m talking about? Uninspired. Unmotivated. UN-everything. 

It happens every couple of months or so for me, but when it hits, man-oh-man am I a picnic to be around! [Sarcasm Alert]

The problem with being an (admittedly) highly emotional person is that when your emotions feel out of whack, it affects nearly every aspect of your life: Your relationships, your work, your overall energy.

Thankfully, I know myself well enough now to know when The Funk is starting to creep in, and to fight The Funk I intentionally take some extra time for myself. (ps. Someone needs to start a band called Fight The Funk. You’re welcome.) 

During that time to myself, I do my best to shut out the noise, reconnect with my core, and listen to what my emotions are telling me.

So, last week, I took a few days off of social media. I stopped doing my daily lettering practice. I let my emails pile up. And instead of spending time sending all my energy outward, I did my best to focus on sending my energy inward.

And this is the part where I tell you it worked, right?! 

Wrong. 😕

By the end of the week, I wasn’t feeling more clarity or peace. Instead, I was starting to feel guilty for needing so much. So much time, so much solitude, so much attention. 

And, if I’m being honest, I was starting to feel a bit ashamed too. Ashamed that I’m such a sensitive person. Embarrassed that my actions, productivity and overall behavior are dictated so much by my mood and emotions. I felt sorry for my partner, Jason, and for my roommates who had to bear witness to a version of myself that most certainly did NOT feel vibrant. 

"Why can’t I just snap out of it," I would think to myself, a thought that only sent my mood further down the spiral, by the way.

But, just when I was feeling beyond frustrated by my inability to shake The Funk, I stumbled across this article titled: Are you a sensitive entrepreneur? How to live more and stress less. (I clicked on that link faster than you can say soulful creative!) 

In the article, Racheal, an entrepreneur and yogi, talks about how she’s had to cope with anxiety in a world of family members and colleagues telling her to “toughen up” or “get a thicker skin.” This paragraph in particular is what finally flipped on the light bulb for me:

“These days I’ve found a sweet spot for living with my anxiety. I actually have come to appreciate and honor this part of myself. Attempting to dull it or numb it out is NOT that answer {for me}. I’ve come to realize that I’m simply more sensitive to certain energies and must live + work in a way that allows me to be my best self without apology.

My anxiety is my personal internal monitoring system that lets me know when my life is out of balance, when I’m not living in alignment with my values + desires, or when I’m saying YES to things that aren’t in my best interest.”

This was so important for me to read because Racheal has come to embrace her sensitivity AND the anxiety that it brings her because she’s able to see that it also brings her value. The thing that makes it hard to cope sometimes is also the same thing that keeps her true to herself. 

And she won't apologize for it. 

Her words felt like the exact courage I needed just when I was getting down on myself. And it also brought me back to a perspective-changing insight that struck me years ago, one that I want to share with you: 

Our level of commitment to ourselves is of no consequence without accountability.

Including all of mine. Including all of yours. 

Being so incredibly sensitive to the energy around me, to my own mood, etc., YES, it can sometimes feel like a burden. It can be inconvenient. It can cause tension in my relationships. (Jason, if you’re reading this, I know it’s not easy to navigate my minefield of emotions but I’m grateful for the love and effort you bring to the table every day!) 

BUT it is also the same personality trait that makes me compassionate, empathetic and able to appreciate depth. And those are things I take pride in. 

We ALL have things about ourselves that we consider flaws. 

Things we wish were different sometimes. Things we think we want to change. 

But, for every trait that we consider a flaw, I’m willing to bet that same trait is responsible for an asset too. I bet it can be traced to something we hold dear about ourselves, and something that others hold dear about us too:

What makes a person sensitive can also be what makes them compassionate and deep. 

What makes a person competitive can also be what makes them driven and strong-willed. 

What makes a person indecisive can also be what makes them open-minded. 

My challenge to you this week is this: find a flip side to one of your flaws. 

Take something that might make you feel judged or weak or ashamed, and see if you can’t find a way to also see that thing as a strength. 

I want you to also do that for someone else in your life. Maybe it’s an annoyance you have with your partner or spouse that you can start to see from a different perspective. Maybe it’s a flaw you’ve seen in a friend or your mother or that coworker across the hall. 

Part of walking through life gracefully is accepting ourselves fully and in turn accepting the fullness of the people we love. That doesn’t mean that flaws don’t exist; it only means we have to try and see them in a different light.

Hoping this perspective brings you more peace in your relationship with yourself and with others. 

And if you too are in a funk for any reason, take it from me, feeling guilty for being who you are will only make it worse. Give yourself space and grace and permission to feel what you feel, and then remember: this too shall pass. 😉

Wishing you all a happy and productive week!

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Do You Feel Pressure To Make Everyone Around You Comfortable?

Hey there, friend! Hope you had a rejuvenating weekend!

My Saturday turned into equal parts lounging by the pool feeling the sun on my face and laying in bed watching the rest of Orange Is The New Black: Season 3. No email, (almost) no social media (gotta keep up with the daily lettering!) and very little interacting with other humans. It was kind of glorious!

Last week was such a great one - lots of work progress made, lots of laughter had - but it also left me with little to no time to re-charge my batteries and reconnect with my intuition, something I’ve found makes a huge difference in my overall mood and energy levels every day. 

My friend Margaret was staying with us for the week, and she’s truly the best. She’s one of those friends who is equally talented at sending me into silly fits of laughter and digging into those deeper, soul-searching conversations that always leave me feeling richer and wiser. We also had our awesome friends, Omar and Nicole, over for the 4th of July last Saturday and Sunday. 

And while all of that socializing made for some incredibly fun memories and great conversations, if I’m being honest, it also left me feeling a bit... drained.

I’ve learned something about myself over the past two years or so, and it's this: social situations can be a source of anxiety for me. 

It has taken me a very long time to admit that fact and to let go of the shame of feeling like that makes me weird or antisocial or something (in fact, it still feels a bit scary sharing it now with all of you guys!) For a long time I didn't acknowledge this about myself because I felt like a part of my identity was wrapped up in being an outgoing, social person. (I still am, mind you.) 

But today I want to share with you where that social anxiety comes from and how I've been able to cope with it, on the off chance some of you soulful creatives have experienced the same feelings. 

Just to be clear (since I know most of you have obviously never met me in person so it's hard to know what the person behind the words is really like): it's not that I feel awkward in social situations, and it's not that I don't like being around people -- I do! I like cracking jokes and playing games and making new friends. Always have. 

However, my core being is deeply sensitive and eager to please, which can be a dangerous combination when dealing with other people. 

I can very easily sense (and become fixated on) the energy of other people. This usually makes me acutely aware of even the slightest feelings of tension, awkwardness, discomfort, and conflict in the people around me. Layer on top of that my natural inclination as a people pleaser, and that leads me to constantly feel like I have to be "on" when I'm with people, especially those that I'm just getting to know. 

Is everyone having a good time? Does everyone feel listened to? Does anyone feel left out? How can I moderate the conversation so everyone involved feels understood? Whose needs aren't being met right now?

The subconscious mental gymnastics are exhausting! 

Whether it's a pool day with friends or a meal with my family, I can't help but always feel responsible for the comfort and happiness of those around me. 

On the surface, this may not seem like such a bad attribute. In general, tending to the needs of those around you is a positive thing; it's called caring. That is until you realize that carrying that burden can take a toll on your psyche. 

For instance, have you ever invited friends or family out to eat somewhere and picked the restaurant? This is when I first noticed this character trait of mine because every time I'd pick a restaurant for a meal, someone would inevitably say something along the lines of... "The salmon was delicious but the service really was not up to par..." 

In that moment I would feel completely responsible for that person's less-than-stellar experience. And it would always hit me so hard. As if I alone was somehow responsible for the service of the restaurant and I alone was responsible for everyone's positive experience.

And that's just one example. There are countless other times when I've taken the weight of other people's experiences on my shoulders. I want to fill their silences. I want to help them defend their positions in a heated discussion. I want to help them justify their choices.

I was sharing all of this with Margaret on a long drive last week, because it's something I continue to work on, and she said something that really struck a chord with me. She said: 

“It’s a real skill to become comfortable with other people being uncomfortable."

Yesssss, I thought. Oh my gosh, YES. 

My instinct is to protect people from feeling uncomfortable at all times. And, truthfully, I’m not even sure if it comes from a selfless place (I want to spare people from bad feelings) or if it kind of comes from a self-preservation place (I want to spare myself from the pain of sensing other people’s bad feelings.) A little of both, perhaps?

Regardless of the motivations, I have to remind myself on a daily basis that if I want to continue to cultivate friendships, meet new people, and not live under a rock like a hermit, I have to find a way to let go of control. To remember that I'm not responsible for the experiences and feelings of other people. 

Just like Margaret said, it’s a skill. It must be practiced and consciously cultivated.

That might mean in a moment of silence as someone struggles to defend their argument, I sit with that silence instead of coming to their rescue. That might mean actively reminding myself that I'm not the sole owner and proprietor of any single group experience -- I'm not the chef, not the party planner, not the mother.

As of today, I’m going to release myself from the responsibility of being the steward of other people’s happiness.

And this week -- only if you need it -- your challenge is to do the same. 

If you don't need it, then your challenge this week is to keep on keepin' on with your bad self (and possibly to teach us sensitive people-pleasers your glorious ways.) 😄

Remember, the only person's happiness that you're ultimately responsible for (and that you can solely control) is your own. 

Wishing you a motivating and rejuvenating week ahead!

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Making Peace With Your Contradictions

I hope all of you U.S. readers had a fun and memory-filled Fourth Of July!

We invited friends over for a pool party, grilled up some burgers and had a “S’moreo-off” (That’s a contest to see who can integrate an Oreo into their s’more in the most delicious way. Competition got FIERCE.)

This week I want to share with you a bit of a pickle I’ve encountered lately, and how I’m finally learning to move past it.

Each week, I do my best to share with you guys the tiny insights and mantras that appear on my journey as I work to become the brightest version of myself (a journey that I’m well aware will never end, by the way.)

Many of these tiny wisdoms continue to pop into my head long after I type them in this email, gently guiding me along in my daily life.

However, for every moment that one of these ‘truths’ pops into my head and helps me move forward or overcome an obstacle, there is another moment when I encounter a situation and my core tells me to do something that’s completely in conflict with one of those truths.

Let me give you some examples…

• Building a business that’s unique and memorable is of utmost importance to me, and yet sometimes I’ll follow the well-lit path laid by entrepreneurs before me, and I’ll implement a smart tactic or strategy I’ve seen elsewhere on Made Vibrant. On one hand I might feel unoriginal, but on the other I might feel smart for capitalizing on what I know works.
• I’ve experienced the benefits of staying in the present moment and not letting the future rule my actions, but I’ve also found that setting goals helps me become intentional about what I prioritize each day. On one hand I might feel detached from the present moment, but on the other I feel productive and motivated.
• I have a desire to challenge and improve my weaknesses, but sometime I feel the best thing to do to set myself up for success is to eliminate activities where my weaknesses are constantly being exposed. On one hand I might feel like I’m taking the easy way out; on the other I feel empowered by the fact that I’m creating a life where I’m not constantly being confronted by my shortcomings.
• There are times when I value the freedom and creativity I find in chaos and times when I value the productivity and progress I find in structure.

Are you starting to see the struggle here?

I’m hoping that maybe I’m not alone in this. I’m hoping that maybe you too have experienced a time or two when you felt in contradiction with yourself.

This used to bother me a ton. Wavering on some of my own advice made me feel weak and undecided. Like I lacked faith in my own principles.

That’s when I had to remind myself, though, that there is no RIGHT answer to every situation -- there is only what feels right and authentic to our core self.

More and more I’m realizing that there is often wisdom to be found on both sides of the street. The key is knowing when to cross over and explore the other side.

• There is value in originality AND value in strategy.
• There is value in presence AND value in planning.
• There is value in sticking it out AND value in letting it go.
• There is value in chaos AND value in structure.

There’s so much good to be had in this world - there’s no shame in not wanting to choose sides.

People seem to like making a big stink about the word balance these days. “There’s no such thing as balance,” they say. Striving for balance causes us to pull our hair out over a state that doesn't exist, they argue.

And while I can certainly agree with the point that true balance - that magical moment when all aspects of our lives are in perfect harmony together - does not exist, I don’t think that fact should disqualify it from being a great thing to strive for.

Now I’m learning to think of each of my contradictions is a huge swinging pendulum. There will be times when it swings to one side and times when it draws back to the other. The benefit to be found in balance, then, is not in the pursuit of some perfect equity between those two sides; the benefit is in the constant reassessment of each side. The constant evaluation of which of those truths will best serve your brightest self in whatever moment you find yourself in.

And that is how I’m able to make peace with my contradictions.

To realize that holding two contradicting beliefs at the same time doesn’t mean you’re weak or lack conviction. It means you look at life with an open mind, and that should be seen as a strength.

Our core beings and our lives are infinitely nuanced. There are no blanket statements, no universal truths, no one-size-fits-all wisdom.

Take what serves you, release what doesn’t, and allow yourself to view each new day as an evolution in itself. 

This week, your simple challenge is to make peace with your contradictions.

Give yourself permission to choose your truths as they serve you. Then, let go of the rest.

Wishing you a peaceful and beautiful week, my friends!

Thanks for reading!

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