How To Make Big Choices With Less Stress
Today I want to talk to you about choices.
Whether it’s in life or in business, we are constantly being bombarded by choices from every angle.
Choose where you want your next travel adventure to be.
Choose the best name for your brand.
Choose what website platform you want.
Choose what to have for lunch.
Choose. Choose. Choose.
Never has this been more evident than in the past few days as Jason and I have navigated the process of choosing a new place to live!
As some of you know, we moved out here to California from Florida last year and were lucky enough to find an ah-mazing house outside of San Diego to rent with our two friends, Clay and Julia.
The year has been incredible, and I honestly think this house had a lot to do with it — the natural light pouring in from every window; a dedicated space just for my art; the beauty of two acres of nature surrounding us at all times.
But now it’s time to move on. Our lease is up next month (March 31) and so for the past few months we’ve been on the hunt for our next adventure, the next place to call home.
We’ve looked in several cities: San Diego, Encinitas, San Clemente, and San Luis Obispo. We’ve thought about a house or a condo or an apartment. We’ve endlessly debated whether it’s more important to have a view or have an updated kitchen or big windows with natural light or about a dozen other variables. We’ve scoured hundreds of listings which has led us to tour about 10 different places for rent.
This whole process became substantially accelerated on Friday when after one particular showing of a beachy, modern, loft-like condo in the town of Oceanside, CA, we finally felt like we had a viable option on our hands -- a place we could really see ourselves in.
But on Saturday we already had about five showings lined up in San Clemente, so we decided to go ahead and see those places to get a well-rounded view of what was available to us. As the weekend went on, it became clear that this might be the big moment when we had to choose where we’d spend the next year of our California adventure.
Now, before I get into how that story ends, I want you to think about the last time you had to make a big decision (or perhaps a whole slew of tinier decisions at once.) Did you find the process exhausting? Stressful? Scary?
My guess is YES to all of the above.
Why? Because we’re all terrified of being wrong.
Over the past few years, I’ve recognized one particular archetype over and over again when it comes to decision-making, one type of person that takes this fear of being wrong to the next level. I’ve seen it in my friends and family, and from time to time, I’ve even seen it in myself.
This archetype is a person that I like to call “the Optimizer.”
The Optimizer is someone who is always interested in arriving at the BEST possible decision, the optimal solution to any problem, the greatest reward for the least amount of waste possible.
The Optimizer’s greatest fear is missing out on an opportunity — whether that’s an opportunity to have a better experience, to save more money, to convert more sales, etc. The Optimizer doesn’t just have FOMO, they have FOMOO 🐮(Fear Of Missing Out on Opportunities).
Now, some of you may be thinking — well what’s wrong with being an Optimizer? What’s wrong with wanting to make the best possible decision? Isn’t that what we all want?
Well, the danger with being an Optimizer is this: more often than not, this type of maximum pay-off decision making results in either massive amounts of anxiety OR, what’s worse, complete paralysis which leads to choosing nothing at all.
By the way, as the girl who waited a YEAR to start my first personal blog because I couldn’t decide on the optimal name, I’m speaking with a little bit of experience in Optimizer Induced Paralysis (man I really wish that acronym worked out to be OINK instead of OIP to continue the theme of animal-related clever acronyms. 🐷)
As blogger James Clear writes, our first choice is hardly ever the optimal choice. The first person we date is rarely the one that we marry, just like the first job we have is rarely our life-long career. We need to recognize this, become okay with it, and realize that the important part is simply that we make a decision and we move forward.
So, all that said, here are my three simple steps for less-stress decision-making and avoiding Optimizer Induced Paralysis:
1. Recognize the trade-offs associated with optimizing.
The first step is to recognize when you’re overly concerned with picking the optimal option. Bring awareness to what you’re actually losing in the present by trying to optimize your future. This could be your sanity, your sleep, your presence with your family or friends, etc. More often than any of those things, what you’re actually losing is TIME. The more you put off a decision because you’re looking for an optimal solution, the more time goes by that you could be testing, learning and living. Looking back, I kick myself for waiting an entire year to start my blog. That could have been an entire year of writing and learning under my belt and it was wasted because of my decision paralysis.
2. Choose hard.
This advice comes courtesy of my new friend and art-affirmation-ally, Steph Halligan. (Steph creates a daily cartoon with a positive message at ArtToSelf.com and even has a book with all her amazing cartoons. Definitely check it out!) Steph said this to me during a call we had last week and I think it could be one of those little phrases that sticks with me forever. Once you do move forward and decide to choose, it’s not necessarily about making the right choice as much as it’s about choosing HARD. It’s about committing to that choice. Going all in. (I shared more on this little bit of wisdom in Saturday's piece here.)
3. Close the door on outcomes not chosen.
Remember that FOMOO I talked about? Well making peace with your decision means not second guessing yourself. Don’t keep the mental door open on those other choices because if you do, you’ll find yourself wondering “What if I had chosen that.” Not only will this cause you inner turmoil, but it will also subconsciously have you pulling back from the reality you did choose. In other words, once you order from the menu, keep your eyes on your own food. Don’t waste time wishing you had ordered what the person next to you did. Savor the deliciousness of the choice you made.
And finally, remember:
“The win is not in making the optimal choice, it’s that we simply MAKE a choice (often & with confidence.).”
My challenge to you this week is to take one choice in your life right now that you’ve been dragging your feet on and see if you can use the three steps above to get you to a decision you’re happy with.
To wrap our story up, Jason and I found ourselves momentarily conflicted between a few properties from our house hunt, but ultimately we decided to take Steph's advice and choose hard. We submitted an application and we haven't looked back since. Hopefully next week I'll be able to reveal which place we chose and I'll be able to tell you more about our the next chapter of our lives here.
Choices surround us day in and day out. Don't let the fear of choosing "wrong" keep you motionless. Keep choosing hard and keep moving forward my friends.
Ultimately, an optimal life is the one in which you're not constantly stressed out from the notion of choosing.
Until next time!
Create Your Own Mindset Revolution
Did everyone survive the holidays in one piece?
I hope so. Jason, Plaxico and I had an amazing time with family and friends and I’m so glad our road trip to Florida meant we could spend quality time with the people we care about.
On the other hand, though, I will say I’m with Emily McDowell on this one, I’m a little relieved to get back into the swing of non-holiday life.
Next on the agenda, Jason and I are packing up once again and heading to a modern cabin in northern Georgia to ring in the New Year with some much needed relaxation. It’s becoming our tradition of ours to do some type of travel the first week of the year in an effort to decompress from the holidays and start the new year off feeling refreshed.
Predictably, since it is the final newsletter of 2015, I want to offer up my two cents about how to get your mind right before 2016 shows up.
It’s possible that many of you are making resolutions as you read this right now. Promises to yourself to read more, exercise more, love more; drink less, worry less, buy less.
And while I believe those intentions are (theoretically) a fantastic way to bring some ownership into your life, this year I’m feeling a bit like we need something... more.
Yes, resolutions can be helpful. Tiny commitments to yourself to get in shape or stay in touch with friends or keep things organized are all good and well. But do you know why the majority of people fall off the wagon? Because they don’t take the time to confront the mindsets that cause them to drop the ball on those things in the first place.
If you don’t take time to understand why you’re lacking in those areas to begin with, then resolutions are just like temporary band-aids. (And, as the great poet Taylor Swift has taught us, band-aids don’t fix bullet holes.)
Instead, I say we need revolutions, not resolutions.
Yep, we need to start a revolution in our own minds. And listen, I know, “revolution” sounds kind of extreme. But I use that word purposefully because it sounds abrupt and important and downright rebellious. That’s the kind of change that’s necessary to stick to something you’ve never stuck to in the past.
Think about it, a revolution marks the being of a new era, a different story, a divergence from what came before. If you’re in the boat of people that are looking for that, this could be your ticket.
No longer do I make resolutions, but instead, I look at the year ahead and ask myselfwhat MAJOR (revolutionary) mindset shift could make the biggest impact for me.
In other words, I answer this two-part question:
- What do I want the MOST for my life right now?
- What story that I’m telling myself is holding me back from that?
Because if you find a way to flip just one destructive or fear-based script, all those tiny resolutions will pale in comparison to the revolution you can create for your own life over the course of a year.
Now, it might help to give you an example:
At the end of 2013, I found myself completely exhausted with one year of entrepreneurship under my belt. I felt like I was working all the time. I was constantly worried about what other people in my field were doing. And it was creating a major imbalance in the way I lived my life. (No exercise, my mind racing before bed, major anxiety.)
As 2014 approached, instead of resolving to “make more time for relaxation” or “work less on the weekends” etc, I knew there was an underlying mindset that had to be dealt with.
Using that trusty two-part question above, I realized that what I wanted MOST was a blend of life and business that allowed me to actually enjoy the perks of running my own business (as opposed to being enslaved by the never-ending list of to-dos.) I wanted a day-to-day that made time for art and hikes and mid-day movies and reading and fun as much as it made time for to-dos and answering emails.
Ultimately what I realized was holding me back from that was this story I kept telling myself that if I didn’t take advantage of every opportunity, the business would suffer and ultimately fail.
But, I had to ask myself, was that really true? If I stopped working 10-hour days would things fall apart? And did I really need to be a "six-figure business" like some of the other entrepreneurs I'd seen or could I be content making enough money to support my lifestyle and live as my happiest self? Suddenly I started investigating this story and realized that I had the power to take back control of how I run my business. It takes will power and practice, but I no longer worry if I pass up an opportunity or if I leave revenue on the table or if someone else has their business on hyper drive.
Throughout the entire year, when I found myself wanting to take a break or step away from my laptop but my inner guilt/anxiety was rearing its ugly head, I simply repeated to myself: “When you’re happy and refreshed, the business thrives.” Andthat’s the true story.
I can honestly say that was a completely revolutionary concept for me and it led to the happiest and most balanced year of my life. (The irony also being that because I was my happiest, most balanced self, I had more ideas and focus this year than I could have imagined, leading to six-figure business revenue anyway. 😱That proves to me that I was right about the business thriving when I'm a balanced version of myself.)
So, now let me ask you, instead of setting resolutions for the new year, is there one major mindset shift that could change the game for you?
Try answering the two questions above and see what comes up.
In order to make lasting improvements on our daily lives, we have to continue to understand ourselves better and the things we tell ourselves. I hope this week’s letter helps you do just that in preparation for the new year!
Happy Monday, friends!
Did everyone survive the holidays in one piece? I hope so. Jason, Plaxico and I had an amazing time with family and friends and I’m so glad our road trip to Florida meant we could spend quality time with the people we care about.
On the other hand, though, I will say I’m with Emily McDowell on this one, I’m a little relieved to get back into the swing of non-holiday life.
Next on the agenda, Jason and I are packing up once again and heading to a modern cabin in northern Georgia to ring in the New Year with some much needed relaxation. It’s becoming our tradition of ours to do some type of travel the first week of the year in an effort to decompress from the holidays and start the new year off feeling refreshed.
Predictably, since it is the final newsletter of 2015, I want to offer up my two cents about how to get your mind right before 2016 shows up.
It’s possible that many of you are making resolutions as you read this right now. Promises to yourself to read more, exercise more, love more; drink less, worry less, buy less.
And while I believe those intentions are (theoretically) a fantastic way to bring some ownership into your life, this year I’m feeling a bit like we need something... more.
Yes, resolutions can be helpful. Tiny commitments to yourself to get in shape or stay in touch with friends or keep things organized are all good and well. But do you know why the majority of people fall off the wagon? Because they don’t take the time to confront the mindsets that cause them to drop the ball on those things in the first place.
If you don’t take time to understand why you’re lacking in those areas to begin with, then resolutions are just like temporary band-aids. (And, as the great poet Taylor Swift has taught us, band-aids don’t fix bullet holes.)
Instead, I say we need revolutions, not resolutions.
Yep, we need to start a revolution in our own minds. And listen, I know, “revolution” sounds kind of extreme. But I use that word purposefully because it sounds abrupt and important and downright rebellious. That’s the kind of change that’s necessary to stick to something you’ve never stuck to in the past.
Think about it, a revolution marks the being of a new era, a different story, a divergence from what came before. If you’re in the boat of people that are looking for that, this could be your ticket.
No longer do I make resolutions, but instead, I look at the year ahead and ask myselfwhat MAJOR (revolutionary) mindset shift could make the biggest impact for me.
In other words, I answer this two-part question:
- What do I want the MOST for my life right now?
- What story that I’m telling myself is holding me back from that?
Because if you find a way to flip just one destructive or fear-based script, all those tiny resolutions will pale in comparison to the revolution you can create for your own life over the course of a year.
Now, it might help to give you an example:
At the end of 2013, I found myself completely exhausted with one year of entrepreneurship under my belt. I felt like I was working all the time. I was constantly worried about what other people in my field were doing. And it was creating a major imbalance in the way I lived my life. (No exercise, my mind racing before bed, major anxiety.)
As 2014 approached, instead of resolving to “make more time for relaxation” or “work less on the weekends” etc, I knew there was an underlying mindset that had to be dealt with.
Using that trusty two-part question above, I realized that what I wanted MOST was a blend of life and business that allowed me to actually enjoy the perks of running my own business (as opposed to being enslaved by the never-ending list of to-dos.) I wanted a day-to-day that made time for art and hikes and mid-day movies and reading and fun as much as it made time for to-dos and answering emails.
Ultimately what I realized was holding me back from that was this story I kept telling myself that if I didn’t take advantage of every opportunity, the business would suffer and ultimately fail.
But, I had to ask myself, was that really true? If I stopped working 10-hour days would things fall apart? And did I really need to be a "six-figure business" like some of the other entrepreneurs I'd seen or could I be content making enough money to support my lifestyle and live as my happiest self? Suddenly I started investigating this story and realized that I had the power to take back control of how I run my business. It takes will power and practice, but I no longer worry if I pass up an opportunity or if I leave revenue on the table or if someone else has their business on hyper drive.
Throughout the entire year, when I found myself wanting to take a break or step away from my laptop but my inner guilt/anxiety was rearing its ugly head, I simply repeated to myself: “When you’re happy and refreshed, the business thrives.” Andthat’s the true story.
I can honestly say that was a completely revolutionary concept for me and it led to the happiest and most balanced year of my life. (The irony also being that because I was my happiest, most balanced self, I had more ideas and focus this year than I could have imagined, leading to six-figure business revenue anyway. 😱That proves to me that I was right about the business thriving when I'm a balanced version of myself.)
So, now let me ask you, instead of setting resolutions for the new year, is there one major mindset shift that could change the game for you?
Try answering the two questions above and see what comes up.
In order to make lasting improvements on our daily lives, we have to continue to understand ourselves better and the things we tell ourselves. I hope this week’s letter helps you do just that in preparation for the new year!
Why It’s Harder For Some People To Successfully Form New Habits
It appears I’m on a kick about habits lately, so I hope you guys are along for the ride because today is yet another post about them!
Last Friday’s post was all about using creative progress maps to help document the formation of new habits.
In the past few months, I’ve written about my perspective on the power of consistency, how to stay accountable to yourself as you build new habits, and how to get back on the horse when you break the chain of consistency.
It’s entirely possible that by now you guys are getting tired of hearing about habits, BUT I continue to write about them because they really have changed my life.
To me, forming new habits is a way of intentionally drawing more of what I value into my daily life.
Whether it’s been intentionally making time for creating art every day, or trying to make my health and fitness a priority, my attempt at successfully integrating new habits has always been about designing a life around my authentic self.
BUT there’s always been one thing that has nagged at me when it comes to habits. Why do certain habits come more easily to me than others? Why are some easy to follow through on and others it feels like an uphill hike on a hot summer day?
For instance, I’ve successfully completely at least six 30-day lettering challenges in the past year and a half, but I’ve fallen off the wagon more than a time or two when it comes to instituting a fitness regimen.
What makes these two tasks different and why is one easier for me to stick to than the other? This is something I've always wondered.
Until yesterday.
Yesterday, I rolled out of bed and decided to go for a morning walk (something I used to do all the time in Florida but haven’t done since we moved to California.) I always use that time to connect with nature and listen to a podcast episode to get my brain warmed up for the day.
As I left my driveway this morning, wouldn’t you know it, the first podcast episode in my queue was one from The Lively Show with guest, Gretchen Rubin, the author of a book that greatly influenced my life a few years ago, The Happiness Project.
I was only a few minutes in and I realized that Gretchen has a new book out, Better Than Before (a fact I somehow missed despite what I’m sure was a boatload of book marketing dollars - sorry publishers! You can’t get me! Muahaha!) Apparently, the entire focus of the book is on mastering habits and how our personalities affect the way we adopt new habits.
What?! The universe is clearly trying to tell me something about habits!
It was fun to hear that apparently I'm not the only one that has had these questions about why habits are easier for some and harder for others - Gretchen researched and wrote an entire book about it!
Anyway, there were a whole slew of topics that Jess and Gretchen covered in the episode, which I won’t ruin for you here, but my big ah-ha takeaway had to do with this Four Tendencies framework that Gretchen discovered/created through her research.
This framework is a way for us to understand how our unique personalities view the idea of forming habits, and what kind of expectations we tend to stay accountable to.
Here’s a quick run-down on each tendency, as I understood them from Gretchen’s interview:
- Upholder - An Upholder will rise to meet the expectations of others, but also uphold the expectations they have for themselves
- Obliger - An Obliger has no problem rising to meet the expectations of others, but does have a hard time keeping themselves accountable to internal commitments. They’ll put their obligations to others above the promises they make to themselves.
- Questioner - A Questioner has to understand why they’re being asked to meet an expectation, whether internal or external. They’ll question this until they feel it makes sense that they should uphold any kind of expectation.
- Rebel - A Rebel resists both internal and external expectations. They often feel that habits are restrictive and they want maximum freedom in their lives.
As Gretchen went through this list, it became clear to see myself, plus friends and family in relation to this framework.
For example, I’d say for the majority of my life I have been an Obliger. I've always gone above and beyond to meet the expectations of other people, but I've had a hard time doing the same thing for myself.
This is the answer to my question about why I have a much harder time getting myself to work out than I do posting my daily lettering. With the lettering, I have an Instagram community that expects me to post every day; I’ve made that promise public and my Obliger nature uses that external expectation as a means of accountability.
But, going to my work out class five times a week -- that’s just a promise I made to myself. No one is responsible for holding me to it except myself. In the past I would have had trouble placing this as a priority over something with an external expectation.
However, now after years of work, I feel I’m finally getting a lot closer to being an Upholder. I’ve learned to create boundaries and identify my core values, and that inner work has allowed me to give as much weight to my inner expectations as I do to the expectations of others.
For example, my friend Margaret stayed with me this past week and in the past, I likely would have used that as an excuse for myself not to go to my fitness class each day because I wouldn’t have wanted to "disappoint her" by spending a few hours away and leaving her on her own. However, I've now recognized that improving my health and strength is a priority for me -- something I value -- and working out is a habit I want to cultivate, so I voiced this to her and stuck with my workout schedule during her trip. Now that I have a way to acknowledge this, I'm definitely going to work to stay closer to the Upholder end of the spectrum. If I notice myself slipping though, I can always use those external motivators that speak to the Obliger in me to keep me accountable.
Jason and I decided that he is definitely a Questioner. He cares a lot more about answering to himself than he does to others, but only if he has bought in to WHY he’s doing something. When that’s the case, he has no trouble keeping up with a new habit.
See - it’s fascinating stuff, you guys! And it’s kind of fun once you start to see your tendencies illustrated in different areas of your life.
I’m just such a nerd when it comes to frameworks for understanding human behavior, I can definitely see this chart represented in my own behavior and the behavior of people I know well.
Like I said, there were so many great nuggets of wisdom I took away from the interview -- something I’m hoping to dive into more when I read the book -- but I at least wanted to share the Four Tendencies with you guys because it could be a game-changer for some of you.
If you really want to introduce new, positive changes into your life, the secret is to first understand what your unique tendencies are and then use them to your advantage to help you stick to your program.
Aside from these tiny revelations about habits in general, the biggest takeaway that I got from the interview was this:
If you want to make a lasting change in your habits, knowing your motivations and your values is the best place to start.
Just a little something I wanted to share with you on this Monday morning as you prepare for your week.
So, are there any habits you have struggled to stick with in the past? Could Gretchen’s framework help you understand your own attitude toward habits better? Which tendency do you have?
Let me know in the comments!
Right after I finish The Art of Possibility, I’m definitely going to download Better Than Before and give it a read.
Hope today's post helps you adopt those positive habits!
